Got a problem you can’t solve? A flu bug you can’t kick? Financial woes? Unfulfilling love life?

Forget about seeing a doctor, psychiatrist, or financial consultant. After all, your problems could all be linked to global warming!

Such seems certainly the case in Japan and France where a recent rise in head lice and hornets respectively have actually been tied to the planetary ailment being studied by soon-to-be-Dr. Al Gore.

I kid you not.

As reported by the Mainichi Daily News (emphasis mine throughout):

“Japan is becoming infested with cooties, according to Sunday Mainichi (3/4).” What are some of the possible causes? “Plenty of reasons have been given for the sudden resurgence of lice in Japan, including that they were brought in from overseas and that environmental concerns prevent the use of insecticides once used to eradicate them.”

Sounds reasonable, correct? After all, the article admitted “massive use of the insecticide DDT pretty much wiped out cooties from this country” after a post-World War II outbreak. Yet, despite such logic, a more recent and topical culprit was identified:

"But the real reason is global warming," Koichiro Fujita, a Tokyo Medical and Dental University professor specializing in parasites, tells Sunday Mainichi. "The warmer the climate, the faster the cycle from egg to hatching to larvae to maturity to laying eggs."

Imagine that. A 0.6 degree rise in temperature over the past 100 years is changing the larval cycle of cooties. Seems like the DDT explanation might be a better one, doesn’t it?

Regardless, Japan isn’t the only country blaming infestation woes on global warming. As reported by the Telegraph:

"Swarms of giant hornets renowned for their vicious stings and skill at massacring honeybees have settled in France.

"And there are now so many of the insects that entomologists fear it will just be a matter of time before they cross to Britain."

What do you think is the cause? Wait for it. Wait for it:

"Global warming has largely been blamed for the survival and spread of the Asian Hornet, Vespa velutina, which is thought to have arrived in France from the Far East in a consignment of Chinese pottery in late 2004."

Of course, you know what the next malady doctors will likely blame on global warming? ED.

Can’t you envision a Viagra or Cialis commercial with a strapping young gent stating seriously into the camera: “My doctor originally thought my ED was probably caused by my recent prostatectomy, or my diabetes, or my high blood pressure, or having been an MLB catcher for twenty years without ever wearing a cup. But, now, thanks to research done by Dr. Al Gore, we know better. Thanks for saving my marriage, Dr. Gore!"

I’m verklempt. Talk amongst yourselves.

—Noel Sheppard is the Associate Editor of NewsBusters.