Snide Stephen Colbert Tells O'Reilly 'You'll Never Be As Emotionally Mature As a Toddler'

On Thursday night, Comedy Central fake conservative Stephen Colbert really launched into Bill O’Reilly as an infantile moron. In a Talking Points commentary on Obama’s hunt for equality, the Fox News star lightly suggested he would “never have physical equality with my fellow Irishman, Shaquille O’Neal. I will never be as smart as Einstein or as talented as Mozart or as kind as Mother Teresa.”

Colbert kept adding up O’Reilly’s negatives: that he’ll never be “as emotionally mature as a toddler, or understand how tides work as well as a middle-schooler.”

O’REILLY: Each human being is born with abilities but they are not equal abilities. I will never have physical equality with my fellow Irishman Shaquille O'Neal. He's bigger and stronger than I am by nature. I will never be as smart as Einstein. As talented as Mozart. Or as kind as mother Teresa.

COLBERT: Oh, come on, Bill, that list is too modest. You'll also never be as fast as Usain Bolt. You’ll never be as emotionally mature as a toddler, or understand how tides work as well as a middle schooler. You'll never be as strong as a silverback gorilla, or win as many Oscars as “Titanic.”

You’ll never be able to camouflage yourself as well as a flounder, you’ll never hold a small stack of papers together as well as a binder clip, or have the fuel efficiency and smooth handling of the 2014 Toyota Avalon.

O'Reilly's logic is airtight. Some people are better at some things than other people are at that thing. So trying to achieve equality is unnatural. Take income inequality. Shaquille O'Neal is taller than bill O'Reilly. Therefore, the richest one percent of Americans should control 40 percent of the nation's wealth.

It's also apparent that it's a societal outrage that Colbert gets a dramatically unequal amount of national television time, when the rest of us would like our 2.5 hours a week, please.

He made fun of O'Reilly saying total equality is an "opium-laced dream," recalling Martin Luther King's "I Have An Opium-Laced Dream" speech. But King's speech at that time was more racial than redistributive in nature, even though the socialist-pleasing sermons would follow.


Colbert concluded: “The point is if Bill O'Reilly is no Einstein-- and I think we can all agree he's not -- then equality is forever out of our reach.”

Liberal bloggers were delighted with Colbert. Talking Points Memo called O’Reilly’s argument “bizarre.’ John Amato at Crooks and Liars: “I want to thank Stephen Colbert for taking the time to compile Bill O'Reilly's nonsensical observations about American society. BillO thinks he's found a bone to chew on with income equality, but his analogies are unhinged.”

Tim Graham
Tim Graham
Tim Graham is Executive Editor of NewsBusters and is the Media Research Center’s Director of Media Analysis