SFChron Columnist Mocks Todd Akin's Daughters

So much for the idea that the children of public figures are off limits when it comes to criticism...

San Francisco Chronicle columnist Mark Morford best known to the world for turning himself into a laughingstock four years ago for his inadvertently hilarious suggestion that Barack Obama is some sort of spiritually attuned Lightworker, has demonstrated in his most recent column that he has no problem with wallowing in the spiritual sewer. Morford does not merely mock the daughters of Missouri Senate candidate Todd Akin but seems absolutely obsessed in attempting to make them as much the objects of ridicule that he has already become. Read Morford's insane rantings about them and you get the idea that perhaps a psychiatric intervention in the form of restraint straps is needed here:

Oh my God, the daughters. Just look. Look at the two Akin managed to drag on stage with him. It is they who inspired this column. It is they who have a look in their eye like they’ve just been made to swallow a fistful of broken glass. Again.

...Their look is impossible to ignore. Are they plotting their escape? Are they devising ways to reveal Todd’s gay porn collection on Twitter? Are they wondering, deep down, what they did in past lives to deserve the karma of this one?

They are young. They perhaps do not yet know the true depths of their disquiet, how violently they have been misled. But it looks like they suspect it. They know something is deeply, deeply wrong. Tick tock, Todd.

Which of those girls, would you wager, will soon break away from this nightmare? Which one will grab the first opportunity to travel to San Francisco or maybe Paris or Tokyo and have her mind blown open by art and sex and love, wine and yoga and the madhouse kaleidoscopic offerings of the world? Which one will hence run screaming from the bitter shell of a life the Akins’ have forced them to live? Both? Let’s hope it’s both.

Keep in mind this advice is coming from a San Francisco loon covered with tattoos and body piercings. Hardly the one who should be dispensing advice on how to live life. Oh, and if you thought Morford was finished with his obsession, you would be wrong:

Hello, two young daughters of Todd Akin up there on that stage. I see you. We see you. And we here in the land of the messy and the free-spirited, the progressive and the open-souled, we hereby band together and offer up a prayer, a dirty, wonderful, wild, unfettered blessing to you. Ready?

It goes like this: We hereby hope you will soon find a away to escape, ignite your hearts and minds (and bodies), to blast it all wide open as you realize women are far more juicily, beautifully powerful than you’ve been taught, and that the world is not as small and terrifying as the Republican party would have you to believe.

Morford finishes up with a final deep plunge into the gutter by telling the daughters to disobey and ignore their parents:

One tip: Do not listen to your father. Do not become your mother. Come to the light side. Figure it all out for yourself in the most messy, confusing, luminous, smart, expressive, self-defined way possible. It’s completely worth it, more than you know. Just a humble blessing, from us to you. Good luck. You’re going to need it.

One tip to Mark Morford: While wallowing around in the sewer why don't you let us know how that Lightworker thing worked out? For somebody who is so laughably wrong you sure don't shy from giving out completely inappropriate advice. And I leave you with Morford's "gem" from 2008 to show you just how absurd his powers of observation can be:

Many spiritually advanced people I know identify Obama as a Lightworker, that rare kind of attuned being who has the ability to lead us not merely to new foreign policies or health care plans or whatnot, but who can actually help usher in a new way of being on the planet, of relating and connecting and engaging with this bizarre earthly experiment. These kinds of people actually help us evolve. They are philosophers and peacemakers of a very high order, and they speak not just to reason or emotion, but to the soul.

Stick with your silly Lightworker observations, Mark, and LAY OFF the children.

P.J. Gladnick
P.J. Gladnick
P.J. Gladnick is a freelance writer and creator of the DUmmie FUnnies blog.