Mark Morford: 'Age of Obama' Brings Global Decline of Tangible Evil

Last year columnist Mark Morford of the San Francisco Chronicle turned himself into a national laughingstock with his comical claim that Barack Obama was some sort of "enlightened being," a messianic Lightworker. Here is an excerpt from Morford's "Lightworker" column that gives you a taste of his worshipful unintentional humor:

Many spiritually advanced people I know (not coweringly religious, mind you, but deeply spiritual) identify Obama as a Lightworker, that rare kind of attuned being who has the ability to lead us not merely to new foreign policies or health care plans or whatnot, but who can actually help usher in a new way of being on the planet, of relating and connecting and engaging with this bizarre earthly experiment. These kinds of people actually help us evolve. They are philosophers and peacemakers of a very high order, and they speak not just to reason or emotion, but to the soul. 

Although such Obama worship was widely mocked, it now appears that Morford has returned to the comedy stage with yet more praise of the "Lightworker" in today's sanity-challenged column in which he claims that the "Age of Obama" has caused evil to be on the wane. First Morford reminds of the time when evil predominated in the world during the nasty Republican era:

Remember the good old days? When the air was thick like curdled paste and the days were long like sad, lonely sighs and evil -- sweet, dependable evil -- was like some sort of predatory perfume salesgirl and we were all trapped in the same apocalyptic department store?

It used to be so easy. Every day, every headline, every pronouncement or misunderestimation from Dubya brought a new opportunity for your colon to clench and your breath to turn sour and the universe's skin to crawl. A single glance at Karl Rove and you were instantly swarmed with visions of tiny worms eating through the flesh of a sweet little bunny until it turned black and rotten and Rick Santorum. You had but to utter the words "Trent Lott" in the presence of children and the screaming wouldn't subside for three straight days. Remember?

Oh, what a time it was. Evil was everywhere. Evil was a our global modus operandi, our de facto worldview, the way we brushed our teeth in the morning. Hell, evil was so prevalent, there was an entire axis of it. We had evil tyrants and evil dictators and evil mullahs, all lighting their Cuban cigars with a burning American flag, each hell-bent on out-eviling each other in some sort of wacky game of Pin the Tail on the Cheney.

Yes, evil prevailed back in those bad old days but now, in the Age of Obama, such evil is on a steep decline. Hallelujah, Brothers and Sisters! Praise be to The One!

But now, well, not so much. The Age of Obama has brought both a terrific upswelling of general positivism and a concomitant grand lightening up/toning down of outrageous verbiage and ranting extremism among the hotheaded-dictator set, and with it the strangest thing of all: an apparent global decline in overt, easily identifiable flameballs of tangible evil. 

See, the tyrants of the world have been humbled by the "integrity" and "preternatural calm" of the Lightworker:

And the evil tyrants? Struggling for relevance, mostly. Saddam's long gone, Kim Jong-Il is a batty coot, Iran's Ahmenijhad's bark is far worse than his bite, and even harmless thugs like Castro and Hugo Chavez are stunned to humble reverence by an American president who abides no such childish bulls--t and exudes actual integrity and preternatural calm. 

The way Morford paints it, you almost expect the world's tyrants to drop to their knees in Obama's presence and collectively shout: "WE ARE NOT WORTHY!!!"

Of course, just because evil is on a steep decline in the world in the "Age of Obama," Morford warns that we must still be on guard for it here at home due to the lingering existence of conservatives:

For Americans, evil still has to hit closer to home to make itself known. We must be able to reach right out and touch it (or, in the case of the GOP and its wild fetish for homosexuality, reach out and deeply fantasize about it). So, where to look? Wall Street? AIG? Right wing extremist fanavtics/O'Reilly Factor fans opening fire in abortion clinics and churches and Holocaust museums? A little. 

I hate to break it to Morford, but James W. Von Brunn, who opened fire at the Holocaust museum, wrote that he hated "neocon" O'Reilly.  But who am I to toss inconvenient facts in front of Mark Morford when he is on one of his rants?

How about religion? Strange to watch the Mormon church make a play for its little share of evil, by way of its sad, ferociously homophobic love of Proposition 8. It was a valiant try, but they have a long way to go before they can even approach the astonishing achievements of the Catholic church. 

Yeah, how about religion? Like a religion that worships Obama as a Lightworker. Or would that be better classified as a cult?

Morford concludes that despite the benevolent influence of the "Age of Obama" there is still plenty of domestic evil left for him to continue his Hate Week rants:

Hell, we still have Monsanto, ConAgra, Halliburton, Exxon, Archer Daniels Midland, Yum! Brands, Wal-Mart, most of the coal industry, Tyson meats, Fox News and the everpresent Catholic church, plus a few dozen others who will happily stop at nothing to maintain their long-standing evil empires, no matter what that damnable do-gooder president says. Isn't that reassuring? 

Yes, it is "reassuring" that Mark Morford can continue his psychotic rants against conservatives in the future even though they have become increasingly formulaic. We need to be entertained by his unintentional comedy. Hey, Mark! Tell us about the wonders of the "Lightworker" again! We need the laughs.

P.J. Gladnick
P.J. Gladnick
P.J. Gladnick is a freelance writer and creator of the DUmmie FUnnies blog.