ALL THESE WORLDS ARE YOURS EXCEPT EUROPA. ATTEMPT NO LANDINGS THERE.

Oops! Sorry. I accidentally channeled the movie "2010:  Odyssey Two" but can you blame me? These bizarre radio events are happening so quickly that I almost feel like I am entering another space/time continuum. 

So where in the world is Randi Rhodes? Is it time to place her photo on milk cartons or, perhaps, Ketel One bottles? Your humble correspondent is deeply concerned about Randi's future. You see, I was in large part responsible for kicking off the national radio career of Randi Rhodes. Back in 2003 Randi was unknown outside of South Florida. At the time I was "typing" up a movie review series called "Al Gore at the Movies," in which "Al Gore" would review different films. In July 2003 I, uh, I mean "Al Gore" wrote a review of "The Italian Job." Here are the comments about Randi Rhodes, then completely unknown nationally:

...I am happy to announce that I will soon be forming a Liberal News Network on cable. Right now I am in the process of shaking down, err, encouraging investors in this enterprise. Already I have Anita "Oreo Cookie" Drobny and her hubby committed to sink BUKU BUCKS into my media scheme.

WATCH OUT, RUSH LIMBAUGH! You're as good as off the air. No way you can stand up to our Liberal Talk Radio Host . . . whoever it may be.

Oops! Maybe I better not gloat like Terry McAuliffe until AFTER we destroy Rush in the ratings. But WHO can we get to defeat Rush? Al Franken's name has been bandied about the most but the only reason is that he added Rush's name to a book he wrote to get it noticed.

For some strange reason there just doesn't seem to be a popular liberal radio talk show host out there. Maybe the answer is to go for shock value and have people tune in a talk freak show for laughs. There actually is somebody qualified to be a freak talk radio host—Randi Rhodes of WJNO Radio in Palm Beach County, home of the infamous Butterfly Ballots where liberal Condo Commandos were so clueless that they ended up mistakenly taking votes away from me and casting them for the last person on earth they would support—Pat Buchanan.

Anyway, I have visited that county a few times since those Butterfly Ballots cost me the election and tuned in the Randi Rhodes show to check her out. One problem with her show is that WJNO has such low power that their signal sputters out and dies before it even gets near the Palm Beach County line.

If you can catch Randi Rhodes before the WJNO signal fades away, it is a truly amazing experience. We are talking about a FULL MOONER here. Randi has a conspiracy theory about almost everything including why she is not syndicated nationally (a right-wing conspiracy led by Rush Limbaugh is targeting her). To listen to Randi is like driving by a big car wreck. Horrible to look at but it definitely draws your attention such as Randi's assertion that her biggest fantasy in life is to give a "Lewinsky" to Bill Clinton aboard Air Force One. Even when Randi goes off the topic of politics, she still sounds NUTS. Randi is probably the last person on the planet to actually believe that OJ Simpson is searching the golf courses of the world in order to track down his ex-wife's killers.

Right now Randi's big topic is how she wants to be syndicated nationally. She knows that Anita Drobny of Anshell and myself are looking for a liberal radio talk show alternative to Rush Limbaugh. As a result, Randi is shamelessly promoting herself for this slot on the air to the extent of asking her listeners to call up the radio syndication services and plead her case.

Randi's desperation is really quite entertaining. The problem is that if I did hire Randi Rhodes for a national radio broadcast, she might mellow out and lose that nutty edge.

Therefore I plan to just string Randi along. I'll pretend that I am interested in her but that I also have to investigate the possibilities of other liberal talk show hosts. This is sure to make Randi even more desperate on the air. Then I will take the taped shows of Randi Rhodes begging to be syndicated and syndicate that nationally. It would be the radio equivalent of Jackass, The Movie. Folks will tune in to those taped Randi Rhodes shows for laughs. Although that shtick will wear out after a few weeks, it is sure to attract a big audience in the short term and allow me to declare victory over Rush Limbaugh.

Months after this excerpt appeared Randi Rhodes was hired by Air America, so you see I feel as if I have a proprietary interest in her career since I, or "Al Gore," helped to kick it off nationally. Hopefully Randi will soon reappear in public (and we hope that Sheldon Drobny will get better) but one wonders if she will use herself as an example of why we need the "Fairness Doctrine" in order to save liberal talk radio from the evil free market that does not reward programs with few listeners.

For those of you who have not yet had the "pleasure" of hearing Randi, check out this audio blast from the past that she probably doesn't want to be reminded about. It is a December 2004 interview with Bev Harris who claimed that she had voting machine information (Black Box Voting) that could overturn the results of the 2004 presidential election. An excited Randi had been excitedly plugging Harris for weeks to the extent of encouraging her listeners to donate money to BBV. However, after weeks of Bev Harris doing basically nothing, it finally dawned on Randi that she had been conned. This angry (but hilarious) interview, is the result.

Come back, Randi! Your leftwing wackiness is missed! But don't bring the "Fairness Doctrine" with you.