It appears that Mark Morford, author of the inadvertently hilarious San Francisco Chronicle column about Barack Obama being a "Lightworker," described as a "rare kind of attuned being," is back with yet another column of cultish worship of "The One." You can see where the starry eyed Morford is coming from just from the title of his latest column, "When history spanks: Where were you when that incredible thing happened? How will you respond?" Morford could have just as easily titled his adulatory piece, "The earth moved: I smoked a cigarette afterwards. Was it good for you? It was good for me."

I guess enough time passed since Morford turned himself into a laughingstock with his "Lightworker" column for him to think it was safe to return with more cultish Obama adulation. So let us first review observations from Morford's "Lightworker" worship to fully appreciate his latest fantasies:

• Barack Obama isn't really one of us. Not in the normal way, anyway.
• The appeal, the pull, the ethereal and magical thing that seems to enthrall millions of people from all over the world, that keeps opening up and firing into new channels of the culture normally completely unaffected by politics...
• Even Bill Clinton, with all his effortless, winking charm, didn't have what Obama has, which is a sort of powerful luminosity, a unique high-vibration integrity.
• I've heard from far too many enormously smart, wise, spiritually attuned people who've been intuitively blown away by Obama's presence...
• Many spiritually advanced people I know identify Obama as a Lightworker, that rare kind of attuned being who has the ability to lead us not merely to new foreign policies or health care plans or whatnot, but who can actually help usher in a new way of being on the planet, of relating and connecting and engaging with this bizarre earthly experiment. These kinds of people actually help us evolve. They are philosophers and peacemakers of a very high order, and they speak not just to reason or emotion, but to the soul.
• The unusual thing is, true Lightworkers almost never appear on such a brutal, spiritually demeaning stage as national politics. This is why Obama is so rare.
• Those attuned to energies beyond the literal meanings of things, these people say JFK wasn't assassinated for any typical reason you can name. It's because he was just this kind of high-vibration being, a peacemaker, at odds with the war machine, the CIA, the dark side. And it killed him.

And now Morford is back with more servings from the Obama Kool-Aid jug (emphasis mine):

You really only get a handful, a smattering, maybe three or four per lifetime if you're lucky or blessed or just so happen to be paying the right kind of deeper karmic attention. 

Historic events, I mean. Major shifts, upheavals, great leaps forward, the Thing That Changed Everything.

Do you notice? Do you care? When history walks up and slaps you upside the head with a megadose of human drama wrapped in shiny evolutionary paper, do you do anything about it? Offer thanks? Hold a ceremony? Join in?

Morford sounds like he posted this from either San Francisco...or Jonestown.

Do you, at the very least, pause in your day and take a deep breath and say oh my God, would you look at that, the world is shifting right this very moment like I've never experienced before, and I can feel it rumbling beneath my feet hang on hang on oh holy hell hang on? 

I think right about now is the time for you to light up that cigarette, Mark, so you can savor the moment of that world shift like you never experienced before.

Right now is a prime example. Right now might be a good time to pause and step back for a moment, blink a few times as you note how the momentous event that is this very election just so happens to be of the very kind that can change the timbre and tone not merely of our flawed and broken nation, but the entire planet. Such is the attention, such is the energetic reach. Rare and precious indeed. 

Right now might be a good time to pause, step back for a moment, and break out the butterfly net.

To say it outright: I think President Obama will be just such a shift, an extraordinary marker, a type and flavor of history that we as preternaturally jaded humans rarely get to experience anymore. Pule all you like about how this election is really just business-as-usual politicking and all candidates are ghastly empty-suited shills and nothing ever changes, as you somehow ignore the massive firestorm of electric possibility passing right over your sad and jaded little head. 

So now President Obama is an "extraordinary marker." Is that a promotion or demotion from "Lightworker?" 

The fact remains, the sheer volume of expansive energy surrounding Obama's run has been absolutely astonishing, a global outpouring of positive interest and awareness like almost no other leader, no other potential slap of progress we've experienced in modern American history. From the international headlines down to the forgotten corners of our own culture we normally never hear from, the message is the same: Something is about to upend. Something seems like it's about to give way. And the good news is, we might finally be ready. 

"President Obama" has yet to serve a single day office so I think the only thing about to give way is your sanity, although I think that battle was lost long ago.

So perhaps we need to reframe. Perhaps we need to make some sort of open-throated distinctions between the kind of historic events we're dealing with, so if and when the Obama presidency rolls in, we may better appreciate and take hold and, well, roll right along with it. 

Reframe? Glad to see you're been reading George (rhymes with) Lakoff.

So then. I say we're being asked, right now, to understand that there are, in fact, two fundamental kinds of history. The first is the most common, the type we've grown pathetically used to, the type that soils the spirit and stabs us in the back as it takes down office towers and induces war and misprision and wallows in nearly unbearable quantities of fear. We get that a lot.

The second kind is perhaps the most rare of all. This is the history that comes around only once or twice per generation, that emerges from somewhere deep and urgent to move us forward; it's a kind that invites growth and sparks surprisingly constructive feelings in everyone and everything it touches. Do you recognize that kind? Right. Me neither. Until now.

If the election goes the way Morford so desperately wants it to, history shall be entering Year One, B.O..

And now here it is, in the form of this Obama fellow, this rare and extraordinary flavor of history, this impossible thing, right on our doorstep, awaiting our vote, merely asking us if we're ready. Are we? 

I sure know you're ready to toss yourself at Obama's feet and scream: "WE ARE NOT WORTHY!!!" 

—P.J. Gladnick is a freelance writer and creator of the DUmmie FUnnies blog.