‘Djesus Uncrossed’: SNL Depicts Christ Returning to Vengefully Slaughter Romans

The season of Lent began Wednesday, and the folks at Saturday Night Live thought it was appropriate to usher it in with a movie trailer depicting Christ returning to Rome to exact revenge.

In the gory fashion of Quentin Tarantino and Sam Peckinpah, SNL presented to viewers on the fourth day of Lent "Djesus Uncrossed" (video follows with transcript and commentary):

ANNOUNCER: This summer, if you liked “Inglorious Basterds” and "Django Unchained," then get ready for the ultimate historical revenge fantasy.

DJESUS PLAYED BY CHRISTOPH WALTZ (AFTER PULLING BACK ROCK BLOCKING CAVE): Guess who's back?

ANNOUNCER: “Djesus Uncrossed.” He is risen from the dead.

WALTZ (WITH CROSS STILL ON HIS BACK AND BRANDISHING A SWORD): Miss me?

ROMAN SOLDIER PLAYED BY FRED ARMISEN: Get him.

ANNOUNCER: And he’s preaching anything but forgiveness. He may be dressed in sand robes, but he can still kick ass.

(Waltz then attacked the Roman soldiers killing most of them in a highly gory Sam Peckinpah-like fashion.)

ARMISEN: Jesus H. Christ.

WALTZ: The H is silent.

(Waltz then sliced Armisen’s head in half.)

ANNOUNCER: With Brad Pitt as St. Peter.

ST.PETER PLAYED BY UNKNOWN ACTOR: I need me eleven apostles. We're going to be doing one thing and one thing only: killing Romans.

(As he’s speaking, shots of Romans being killed by Apostles were shown on the screen.)

ST.PETER: Rome will be disgusted by us. Rome will talk about us. And the Romans will fear us. Each of you owes me 100 Roman scalps

(St. Peter then bashed a Roman soldier’s head with a bloody baseball bat.)

ANNOUNCER: Ving Rhames as Pontius Pilate.

PONTIUS PILATE PLAYED BY KENAN THOMPSON: Djesus. Oh, I ain’t done with him by a damn sight. I’m going to get Old Testament on his ass.

ANNOUNCER: And Samuel L. Jackson as Judas Iscariot.

JUDAS ISCARIOT PLAYED BY JAY PHAROAH: Jesus, oh shit. (Bleeped.) Kill, man. Kill.

WALTZ: You get to heaven, say hi to my dad. (Waltz then took out a shotgun and blew a big hole in Pharoah.)

(With music playing in the background, scenes of carnage at the hands of Djesus and the Apostles were shown.)

ANNOUNCER: Critics are calling it a less violent “Passion of the Christ”. “I never knew how much Jesus used the N-word.” “Djesus Uncrossed.”

WALTZ (With gun in his hand): No more Mr. Nice Jesus.

(The trailer ended with a gunshot and blood smeared over a subtitle reading “Summer 2013.")

And this is how the folks at SNL ushered in Lent.

It certainly is a grave new world.