Global Warming Causes Drop in Supply of Bulgarian Prostitutes

There appears to now be a double-secret, international competition to figure out new planetary ills that can somehow be tied - regardless of the seeming inanity - to manmade global warming.

This announcement out of Toronto could be the best yet: a warmer climate is causing stray cats - no, not Brian Setzer and the boys - to mate more frequently thereby resulting in an explosion in furry, feral felines.

On the other hand, the frontrunner has to be brothels in Bulgaria that are having a hard time finding employees because ‘the best prostitutes have moved to ski resorts, where they entertain tourists who cannot ski because of a lack of snow."

You really can't make this stuff up.

As reported Wednesday in Canada's National Post (emphasis added throughout, better stow potables):

An explosion in Toronto's stray cat population is the latest phenomenon being blamed on global warming, joining a growing list of evils that includes increases in hay fever and seal mating as well as decreases in the supply of maple syrup and Bulgarian prostitutes.

While climate change is frequently cited as the cause for hurricanes, tornadoes and droughts, not all of its alleged effects are Biblical in proportion. The Toronto Humane Society recently announced its shelter is filled to capacity and cited global warming as a possible cause of the overcrowding.

Brace yourselves for the hysterical explanation:

Lee Oliver, a Humane Society spokesman, said the warmer weather appears to be giving cats a chance to mate three times each year instead of the usual two.

"Cats are now copulating in February, which is supposed to be a really cold month," Mr. Oliver said. "But animals are getting out because it's relatively warm, their internal signals seem to be telling them that it is time to mate because the warm weather's coming, and so we're seeing an earlier litter."

Mr. Oliver said the February fornication produces a litter in late March or early April with broods following in May and August. And while each year's first batch of kittens used to be smaller, the Humane Society is now finding all three litters are roughly the same size.

"The less hardy cats who may have waited until the warmer weather are now mating sooner," Mr. Oliver said.

This almost reads like a beatnik poem, doesn't it? I can almost hear bongos in the background. How ‘bout you?

Speaking of tawdry bar scenes, I'm sure you're all dying to hear more about the brothel problem in Bulgaria:

But not everyone's love life has been improved by climate change. Brothel owners in Bulgaria are now reportedly having trouble attracting workers. The owners claim the best prostitutes have moved to ski resorts, where they entertain tourists who cannot ski because of a lack of snow.

"We have hired students, but they are temps and nothing like our elite girls," Petra Nestorova, who runs an escort agency in Sofia, told the United Kingdom's Metro newspaper.

I'm sorry. I can't type anymore. Talk amongst yourselves.

Noel Sheppard
Noel Sheppard
Noel Sheppard, Associate Editor of NewsBusters, passed away in March of 2014.