Church of Cheetah? Newspaper Suggests Chimp Religious Worship

Church of Cheetah Missouri Synod?

Perhaps not as ridiculous as it sounds according to the U.K. Independent. That newspaper suggests that chimpanzees tossing rocks at trees could be a primitive form of religous practice. They provide a video of this "ritual" but to your humble correspondent, it looks like nothing more than a bunch of dumb monkeys idly tossing rocks around. However, the idea of chimp worship is no more ridiculous than the Independent aping a lot of other news outlets last December when they published a story about how 2016 will be the HOTTEST YEAR ON RECORD. So rather than be branded a heretic, I shall now allow the Independent to make the case for pious chimps.


New footage shows chimpanzees engaging in bizarre behaviour — which might be a form of sacred ritual that could show the beginnings of a kind of religious belief.

Chimpanzees in West Africa have been spotted banging and throwing rocks against trees and throwing them into gaps inside, leading to piles of rocks. Those rocks do not appear to be for any functional purpose — and might be an example of an early version of ritual behaviour.

Yeah, and next we should see a chimp doctrinal split between the Green Banana Rite and the Yellow Banana Rite.

The scientist described seeing the behaviour through cameras that were set up to watch the chimpanzees. They saw them assembling piles of stones — of a similar kind of the ritual cairns that have been found throughout human history.

Just a step away from the Chimp Sistine Chapel with a hairy hand on the roof stretching out to touch Cheetah's extended finger.

In a piece written around the findings, researcher Laura Kehoe described the experience of watching the chimp look around and then fling a rock at the tree trunk.

“Nothing like this had been seen before and it gave me goose bumps,” she wrote.

I once saw a chimp fling something else at a zoo so forgive me for being in something less than a state of awe. Also in a similar state of disbelief were many of the readers as you can see in their comments:

This is just another pathetic attempt by very poor, unethical journalists to produce very poor quality click-bait.

Same kind of click bait as declaring 2016 to be the HOTTEST YEAR ON RECORD before it even begins.

Next time add 'global warming' to your ludicrous premise, although that word isn't as magical these cool days.

The first chimpanzee to invent a hat will automatically become The Pope.

These monkey experts should be in the grant grubbing hall of fame.

Right up there with the global warming experts in the grant grubbing hall of fame.


P.J. Gladnick
P.J. Gladnick
P.J. Gladnick is a freelance writer and creator of the DUmmie FUnnies blog.