With Donald Trump defying the liberal media’s expectations and dismantling Hillary Clinton’s Rust Belt “firewall,” Stephen Colbert began to freak out live on The Late Show Tuesday evening. “You don't need to stand for me. You don’t need to chant my name, America doesn't have dictators… yet,” he quipped. Colbert chatted with the audience about how nice it is that the election was coming to an end, but his frustrations seemed to be riding high as he took them out on Trump’s supporters:
But right now, the election is too close to call and too terrifying to contemplate. The huge story is that Trump has outperformed expectations in early results. This one is a nail biter and a passport grabber. It feels like we are trying to avoid the apocalypse and half the country is voting for the asteroid.
“Specifically on the edge of the country waiting for Trump to win so they can walk into Canada,” he joked.
Later on in the show Colbert brought out Bloomberg’s Mark Halperin and John Heilemann, when he exclaimed, “What the fuck is happening?!” Halperin tried to let Colbert and the liberal crowd down easily, “My senses, this audience will not particularly like this, but he is now the front-runner… He has more paths now to 270 electoral votes the than she does.”
Their conversation shifted to talking about the election documentary the two Bloomberg politicos had created. Colbert wondered about how he could get a segment of the documentary dedicated to him, when he asked, “If Trump wins, how about bursting into tears and screaming fuck for the next 45 minutes?”
The host’s worst fears seemed to have been realized when he was informed that Trump had won Florida, “Wow. Wow, that’s a horrifying prospect. It can't put -- I cannot put a happy face on that. And that's my job.”
Colbert pleaded with Heilemann to bring up an example from the past to give him hope for a Clinton victory. A clearly irritated Heilemann responded, “We’re on virgin snow. Although, I wouldn’t necessarily say it’s snow. Looks like something maybe a little browner than snow that we’re on right now.”
Transcript below:
SHOWTIME
Stephen Colbert’s Live Election Night
November 9, 2016
11:05:28 PM Eastern…
STEPHEN COLBERT: Amazing. Amazing thanks so much. Ladies and gentlemen, thank you, please have a seat. Please have a seat. You don't need to stand for me. You don’t need to chant my name, America doesn't have dictators… yet.
…
COLBERT: Well here we are, ladies and gentlemen, the end of the election. Can you believe it what a year tonight has been. Right now, I know you guys don't have your phones or anything. But right now, the election is too close to call and too terrifying to contemplate. The huge story is that Trump has outperformed expectations in early results. This one is a nail biter and a passport grabber. It feels like we are trying to avoid the apocalypse and half the country is voting for the asteroid.
I don’t know—Everyone, can you feel it? People—people—Are you on edge tonight?
CROWD: Yeah!
COLBERT: Yeah, yeah I think everyone is on edge. Specifically on the edge of the country waiting for Trump to win so they can walk into Canada.
…
11:25:38 PM Eastern
COLBERT: Let me ask you a technical question that you guys being political analysts would know-- you would understand. What the fuck is happening?
MARK HALPERIN: That is the term that political scientists use.
COLBERT: So, you got your little magic boxes here. Okay, you got your "Hitchhiker's Guide to The Galaxy" which technically should say “Don't panic” on the front of them. What is happening out there? I haven’t looked at anything in the last half hour. What’s going on?
HALPERIN: My senses, this audience will not particularly like this, but he is now the front-runner.
COLBERT: What does that mean? In the Electoral College what does--
HALPERIN: He has more paths now to 270 electoral votes the than she does.
COLBERT: He had almost no paths a week ago.
HALPERIN: Well, that was based on the public data. I think that polling and statistics can tell you a lot and the Clinton campaign’s confidence was based on that. But there is a human element to politics. And it appears that at least—it doesn’t mean he’s going to win—but it appears that the momentum and the desire for change in the country has made it a much closer race than people thought.
…
COLBERT: I'm not sure if it's a comedy show at this point. I think we're in the middle of a documentary right now. Am I in your fucking documentary right now? Is this just for Show Time?
HALPERIN: Do something irresistible.
COLBERT: What?
HALPERIN: Do something irresistible, and you’ll make it.
COLBERT: You mean into—
HALPERIN: or you mean are we making up the results.
COLBERT: Into the documentary?
HALPERIN: Yeah.
COLBERT: If Trump wins, how about bursting into tears and screaming fuck for the next 45 minutes? [Crowd cheers]
[To someone off screen] What did you want to say? What? Donald Trump has taken the state of Florida. [Crowd gasps]
HALPERIN: He is now on the doorstep of 270 electoral votes.
COLBERT: Wow. Wow, that’s a horrifying prospect. It can't put -- I cannot put a happy face on that. And that's my job. The -- is there – is there a comparable moment in American political history that you can pull out—John, can you pull anything out of your pocket, of all the polls we followed, or are we on virgin snow right now?
JOHN HEILEMANN: We’re on virgin snow. Although, I wouldn’t necessarily say it’s snow. Looks like something maybe a little browner than snow that we’re on right now.
…
