Having a bad day? Well, you’ve come to the right place. On Wednesday’s Tucker Carlson Tonight, conservative pundit Mark Steyn hysterically dismantled CNN’s Russia coverage, arguing it was worse than their Malaysian plane coverage and the only plot twist left is for “Anderson Cooper and Elmo in the CNN space ship” to save “Earth...from the rupture in the space time continuum.”
The nearly-seven-minutes of fun kicked off with Steyn making an analogy about CNN selling empty bags of potato chips and then another about Malaysian Airlines Flight 370:
They went bananas over that Malaysian plane that disappeared a couple of years ago. But at least there was a Malaysian plane that was here one minute and wasn't there the next. Here, there actually is no Malaysian plane and they are covering it — I mean, you said, Jeff Zucker is telling them to stop covering real news.
Out of the blue, Steyn brought up how Sesame Street’s Elmo appeared on CNN to defend Syrian refugees: “Yesterday, they interviewed Elmo about what he thought of Syrian refugees and oddly enough, Elmo happens to like them and that was the least nutty thing that CNN has done in the last few weeks.”
Steyn attempted to get serious in denouncing the lack of definitive Russian collusion proof, but he went back to employing humor when he noted how “[e]verybody hates the media” [emphasis mine]:
And they hate Jim Acosta going to bananas at the White House press conference because the big mean press secretary won't let him turn his camera on. I'm in favor, by the way. I thought Elmo was excellent yesterday. I am in favor of replacing Jim Acosta with Elmo at the White House press conference. The fact is the public is on the White House’s side. If Sean Spicer wants to conduct his press conference in interpretive dance, he can do that and the public by and large, if it's a choice between Sean Spicer announcing the ObamaCare bill in interpretive dance, or Jim Acosta doing his drama queen-ery, then, people would rather have the interpretive dance of Sean Spicer. They’re not going to go anywhere with this.
Steyn again briefly went back to being serious, noticing how these supposedly blockbuster Russia hearings have only exposed potential misdeeds by the Obama Administration.
When CNN’s infamous black hole theory about the Malaysian plane came up, Steyn realized that the network itself is flying into one with its obsessive Russia coverage. That being said, Steyn closed out the segment with a picture you’ll have a hard time getting out of your mind:
STEYN: They’ve taken a very small story and in expanding it, they’re flying their network into a black hole and whether they can emerge from that — I realize that is the kind of plot twist, that is Anderson Cooper in X-Men 12 or The Avengers when the Loki tears up the space time continuum is ripped up and only Anderson Cooper and Elmo in the CNN space ship can rest Earth back from the rupture in the space time continuum. That’s the only plot twist left for CNN at this point.
CARLSON: It’s going to take me a full day to recover from that. Mark Steyn, you are so great.
STEYN: That is where they are going. Elmo -- it's Elmo at the, you know, Anderson Cooper with Elmo as his copilot. Good luck with that, CNN.
Here’s the relevant portion of the transcript from June 29's FNC’s Tucker Carlson Tonight:
FNC’s Tucker Carlson Tonight
June 29, 2017
8:04 p.m. EasternTUCKER CARLSON: What do you think of that, mark, the whole “our viewers are terrible,” “consumers are bad if they don’t like us” argument? Is that a winner?
MARK STEYN: No, it's not and the idea of converting yourself into a victim group of, I guess, journalist-Americans, the latest hyphenated victim group, that is — that is a good — really good — or what? And I think the problem is, to extend your potato chips analogy, is they’re actually selling a bag that has all the packaging of potato chips, and there are no potato chips inside. That’s the problem with the Russia story. They went bananas over that Malaysian plane that disappeared a couple of years ago. But at least there was a Malaysian plane that was here one minute and wasn't there the next. Here, there actually is no Malaysian plane and they are covering it — I mean, you said, Jeff Zucker is telling them to stop covering real news. You’re not entirely accurate on that, Tucker. Yesterday, they interviewed Elmo about what he thought of Syrian refugees and oddly enough, Elmo happens to like them and that was the least nutty thing that CNN has done in the last few weeks. It’s the nearest thing to real news.
CARLSON: It’s sad. I mean, there’s actually a lot of talented people. I worked there. I know a bunch there. They are smart, serious people, but they’re being pushed to the side in favor of this garbage. What about the prediction you heard Rush Limbaugh, who use it in for sometimes, say that they are going to be a casualty of the Trump administration?
STEYN: Yes, I think that is likely because the argument that van Jones was saying, that it's a nothing burger, but it's ratings, that is true in the short term. But there are diminishing returns to this which is that it's a Russian investigation with no Russians. The only Russian anyone's ever mentions is the Ambassador, who’s like strolling around lunging all over the District of Columbia. He is the only sinister Russian in this story. It's a Russian investigation without any Russians and at some point, it will be like one of those Russian dolls that all the tourists like, you open the big Russian doll, there is a smaller Russian doll, there's a tinsy, winsy Russian doll, and then you open up the last Russian doll and there's nothing and at some point, which I think actually the bulk of the American public have figured out already, there is actually nothing. We are down to the last minuscule Russian doll and there is nothing inside when you open that up.
CARLSON: So, you think that’s a critique of CNN. But I think CNN would call that hate speech. Do you think it should be allowed? Do you think you're making them feel unsafe by criticizing them?
STEYN: Well, they are advancing the argument now that Trump pushing back against the media, which nobody likes, nobody likes, everybody — and I say this as someone in the media and you're in the media and you know that people hated media. Everybody hates the media.
CARLSON: That's true.
STEYN: And they hate Jim Acosta going to bananas at the White House press conference because the big mean press secretary won't let him turn his camera on. I'm in favor, by the way. I thought Elmo was excellent yesterday. I am in favor of replacing Jim Acosta with Elmo at the White House press conference. The fact is the public is on the White House’s side. If Sean Spicer wants to conduct his press conference in interpretive dance, he can do that and the public by and large, if it's a choice between Sean Spicer announcing the ObamaCare bill in interpretive dance, or Jim Acosta doing his drama queen-ery, then, people would rather have the interpretive dance of Sean Spicer. They’re not going to go anywhere with this.
CARLSON: I think the idea, though, the idea, — and I’m not in charge over there, but the idea is, you identify a relatively small but consistent audience of true believers who are sort of, you know, into the esoteric theory of freemasonry or Russian conspiracy or whatever they are selling and you just kind go with that. You’re longer a national network, you are sticking to a small group.
STEYN: Yes, and they’re very enthusiastic. The trouble — I think the serious point here is that at some point, the interest of the Democrat Party diverge from CNN and the other Russian investigation obsessives because every time they actually succeed in dragging someone into Congress to talk about it, what happens as it reveals more about Loretta Lynch meeting with Bill Clinton or telling Jim Comey not to call the Hillary investigation an investigation and so, it’s actually, the Russian investigation is really a Democrat investigation and the more you can focus on it, the more it drags in Susan Rice and Loretta Lynch and eventually, the President himself and at some point, the Democrats are going to say, look, it is fine for you to do your ratings but can we please have more Elmo and less Russia because this is going to kill us with Loretta Lynch and Susan Rice and all the rest. Their interests are not aligned on this topic.
TUCKER: So, what do they do at that point? To they go back to finding a new murder trial to cove or, I mean, what is the next ways for them?
STEYN: I think the trouble when you go down this thing — it's like, we used to have these things long before television. 80 years ago, when there where supposedly be a, you know, five-year-old boy trapped in a well, and the media would camp out around the well to wait for the little boy to be rescued, and that was dramatic in a sob story way. But if there is no little seven-year-old in the well, if there actually is nothing there, then, all you have done in the long run, I think, is destroyed yourself. When you go back to that Malaysian jet thing, they actually are, in this case, they are the Malaysian — do you remember on CNN when they thought the Malaysian jet might have flown into a black hole?
TUCKER [SARCASTICALLY]: Entirely possible.
STEYN: That's what they have done. They’ve taken a very small story and in expanding it, they’re flying their network into a black hole and whether they can emerge from that — I realize that is the kind of plot twist, that is Anderson cooper in X-Men 12 or The Avengers when the Loki tears up the space time continuum is ripped up and only Anderson Cooper and Elmo in the CNN space ship can rest Earth back from the rupture in the space time continuum. That’s the only plot twist left for CNN at this point.
CARLSON: It’s going to take me a full day to recover from that. Mark Steyn, you are so great.
STEYN: That is where they are going. Elmo -- it's Elmo at the, you know, Anderson Cooper with Elmo as his copilot. Good luck with that, CNN.
CARLSON:: Thank you, Mark. I appreciate it.
STEYN: Always a pleasure.
