Three of the late-night comedy programs went live to react to Wednesday’s final presidential debate and the assembled hosts and guests offered vulgar jokes comparing Donald Trump to a sex toy, phone sex operator, and man who needs breast feeding while dubbing Trump debate guest “Sarah Palin is the HPV of American politics.”
Comedy Central’s The Daily Show was the first to air at 11:00 p.m. Eastern and host Trevor Noah employed his most eyebrow-raising joke in the very first minute about Trump being a “giant, novelty dildo was on stage behind the podium” before moving onto a more routine recap of the debate.
“It was appropriate for the debate to be in Las Vegas since this was America's night to let loose, let loose before she settles down and makes a commitment to one person. This was like a Bachlorette party except the giant, novelty dildo was on stage behind the podium,” Noah exclaimed.
Just over 30 minutes later, CBS’s The Late Show went live as host Stephen Colbert took on Trump’s refusal that he’d accept November’s election results by agreeing with Hillary Clinton’s assessment that it’s “horrifying.”
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Colbert quickly went into the gutter to the amusement of the audience and sidekick Jon Batiste of Stay Human as he quipped that “[i]f Donald Trump is the mood for a peaceful transfer of power or if he's just going to wipe his fat ass with the Constitution.”
The program took an even more bizarre turn with Colbert’s first guest and British actor Hugh Laurie as Colbert asked Laurie to surmise how his House actor might diagnose Trump. Colbert pleaded with a reluctant Laurie to “[j]ust dazzle me with B.S.” and so Laurie gave this jaw-dropper:
LAURIE: I would say — I mean, it may be too late but for Trump, I would suggest breast feeding. I think — [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
COLBERT: He might take you up on it.
LAURIE: I think he might go along with that.
COLBERT: Warn the woman first, though.
As for Clinton, the liberal actor chose not to examine Clinton but instead lash out at Clinton critics as befuddling him in their hatred of her:
Hillary — I'm more puzzled by — I'm not puzzled by Hillary, I'm puzzled by the people who hate Hillary hate her so much. I don’t — I feel as if it's one — as if I've come in — I've missed the first reel of the film where she burned down the orphanage, or something. [LAUGHTER] And the whole audience is just like this and I just don't know —but she seems fine to me. What? Why? I don't know. So it's, obviously, a thing I'm not — I’m getting [it].
Meanwhile, ABC’s Jimmy Kimmel used his eponymous live show to take a page from Noah’s playbook and make a sex joke about Trump a few minutes into his monologue: “I was fascinated by just watching Donald Trump. His eyes were mostly closed the whole time. His voice was at like a phone sex whisper the whole time.”
However, the night wouldn’t be complete without someone referencing and taking a pot shot at Sarah Palin since she was a guest of Trump for the debate and Kimmel played that role with the vile comparison of Palin to HPV.
“He also invited Sarah Palin, who came in from Alaska to be — Sarah Palin is the HPV of American politics. She just — she lays dormant for quite a while, but then just when you think she's gone — [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] bumps,” joked Kimmel.
The relevant portions of the transcript from CBS’s Late Show with Stephen Colbert on October 19 can be found below.
CBS’s Late Show with Stephen Colbert
October 19, 2016
11:39 p.m. EasternDONALD TRUMP: What I'm saying is that I'll tell you at the time. I'll keep you in suspense. [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
STEPHEN COLBERT: Um, oh my God. That's, that's — I'm sorry, what's the word?
HILLARY CLINTON: That's horrifying.
COLBERT: Thank you! Thank you! [BLOWS KISS TO THE CAMERA] [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] Thank you! I just — I want to make sure I heard that correctly. Jimmy, can I hear that one more time?
TRUMP: I'll keep you in suspense.
COLBERT: Oh! Oh, suspense! Democracy's going to end in a cliffhanger. [LAUGHTER] I guess — I guess we're all going to have to wait until November 9 to find out if we still have a country. If Donald Trump is the mood for a peaceful transfer of power or if he's just going to wipe his fat ass with the constitution. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
JON BATISTE: Ooow! Oooow! Ooow!
(....)
October 20, 2016
12:05 a.m. EasternCOLBERT [after noting Laurie’s past role as a doctor on House]: Could you diagnose either of these candidates? [LAUGHTER]
HUGH LAURIE: Yeah, I mean, I am pretending in the show. I didn't study —
COLBERT: I wouldn't know the difference if that makes a difference.
LAURIE: Great, great, well, then —
COLBERT: Just dazzle me with B.S.
LAURIE: I would say — I mean, it may be too late but for Trump, I would suggest breast feeding. I think — [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
COLBERT: He might take you up on it.
LAURIE: I think he might go along with that.
COLBERT: Warn the woman first, though.
LAURIE: Certainly yes, yes, it would be a consensual treatment, obviously. Hillary — I'm more puzzled by — I'm not puzzled by Hillary, I'm puzzled by the people who hate Hillary hate her so much. I don’t — I feel as if it's one — as if I've come in — I've missed the first reel of the film where she burned down the orphanage, or something. [LAUGHTER] And the whole audience is just like this and I just don't know —but she seems fine to me. What? Why? I don't know. So it's, obviously, a thing I'm not — I’m getting.
COLBERT: It was the ‘90s. It was the ‘90s.
LAURIE: Was it?
COLBERT: It was a different time.
LAURIE: Yeah.
COLBERT: Yeah. It was bad when she forced us to wear the parachute pants and stuff like that.
