Promoting his new car show set to premiere Wednesday night on CNBC, Jay Leno made his return to NBC’s The Tonight Show on Tuesday night to give a portion of the opening monologue. He poked fun at Hillary Clinton, Martin O’Malley, Republicans, ObamaCare, and the economy to name a few targets.
Standing in for current host Jimmy Fallon, Leno opened his over three-minute-plus abbreviated monologue with a slight to ultra-liberal Ralph Nader and recent criticism of Clinton: “See, this. Ralph Nader called Hillary Clinton a corporatist and a militarist. Isn't that unbelievable? Ralph Nader is still alive.”
Leno stayed on the Democratic side with this quip about the dismal poll ratings of long-shot presidential candidate Martin O’Malley:
And Hillary Clinton not the only Democrat running. Martin O'Malley, ex-governor of Maryland, you know him? He's running for president. See look, nobody knows him. He's two percent in the polls. Two percent. He's been in the race for eight months and he's only tied with low fat milk. That's not good. That's not good.
An equal opportunity offender (as exhibited by a look at previous blogs pertaining to him on this blog), Leno had this to say about Republicans and their outreach efforts to Hispanics:
After that last debate, Marco Rubio being called the best communicator in the Republican Party which is kind of like being the smartest Kardashian. [LAUGHTER] Oh, no and he is not the only Hispanic running. No, no, senor Jeb Bush also running for president.
After a jest about how Bernie Sanders would be the second socialist elected president if he wins the general election, Leno admitted that he’s a fan of ObamaCare, but had this joke about the massive expansion of government bureaucracy created by the health care law:
Look, I like ObamaCare. The trouble with ObamaCare is there are too many government agencies under the ObamaCare umbrella. Like I got a prostate exam the other day, but it was done by a drone and that made me uncomfortable. [LAUGHTER] I was uncomfortable – I was uncomfortable with that.
Leno then turned to one of his trademark sequences where he joked this time about how the economy was “so bad” for reasons ranging from “parents in Beverly Hills are being forced to raise their own children” to a man in Seattle “panhandling in front of Starbucks just to pay for his Starbucks.”
Trying to add few lines of his own before Leno stepped back aside, Fallon offered three lines of his own:
FALLON: The economy is so bad, 50 Cent just changed his name to Nickelback.
LENO: Yes.
FALLON: The economy is so bad, Hillary Clinton wants people to look to her deleted e-mails to see if there’s anything from that Nigerian prince.
LENO: That's how bad it is.
FALLON: Let me tell you, the economy's so bad, I saw Wolfgang Puck eating Chef Boyardee.
LENO: You never see that!
The relevant portions of the transcript from NBC’s The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon on October 6 can be found below.
NBC’s The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon
October 6, 2015
11:41 p.m. Eastern
JAY LENO: Oh, the election's getting nasty. [LAUGHTER] See, this. Ralph Nader called Hillary Clinton a corporatist and a militarist. Isn't that unbelievable? Ralph Nader is still alive. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] And Hillary Clinton not the only Democrat running. Martin O'Malley, ex-governor of Maryland, you know him? He's running for president. See look, nobody knows him. He's two percent in the polls. Two percent. He's been in the race for eight months and he's only tied with low fat milk. That's not good. That's not good. [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
Oh, how about this? After that last debate, Marco Rubio being called the best communicator in the Republican Party which is kind of like being the smartest Kardashian. [LAUGHTER] Oh, no and he is not the only Hispanic running. No, no, senor Jeb Bush also running for president. [LAUGHTER] Also running for president. You know, a lot of people think that when the Republicans field begins to clear, it will be down to Jeb Bush and Donald Trump, kind of like the race between the tortoise and the bad hair. You know? Between them. [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
But as Jimmy mentioned, Bernie Sanders getting a lot of traction. In fact, if Bernie Sanders wins, he'll be the first socialist elected president since 2008. That's just something to think about. [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] Hey. You gotta give Obama credit. He got Osama bin Laden. I mean, no, think about that. You know, Osama bin Laden lived in that house in Pakistan for six years with seven women and 23 children. I'm surprised the guy didn't shoot himself in the head. [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
But of course the Republicans – the Republicans are still trying to stop ObamaCare. Look, I like ObamaCare. The trouble with ObamaCare is there are too many government agencies under the ObamaCare umbrella. Like I got a prostate exam the other day, but it was done by a drone and that made me uncomfortable. [LAUGHTER] I was uncomfortable – I was uncomfortable with that. Republicans say the economy is bad. They say it's bad.
CROWD: How bad is it?
LENO: Oh, I tell you, the economy is so bad in New York, on Park Avenue today, I saw a woman with real breasts and a fake Gucci purse. You never see that. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] You never see that. The economy is so bad, in California, parents in Beverly Hills are being forced to raise their own children. That never happens. It is so bad in Seattle, I saw a a guy panhandling in front of Starbucks just to pay for his Starbucks. That's how bad it is. I saw a priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar and then burn it down for insurance money. It was an awful thing. It is so bad, even the Kardashians are losing their ass. That's how bad it is.
JIMMY FALLON: Wait, wait, wait, wait.
LENO: Jimmy, you got –
FALLON: I got one. I've got one. I've got one. Yeah. The economy is so bad, 50 Cent just changed his name to Nickelback. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
LENO: Yes.
FALLON: The economy is so bad, Hillary Clinton wants people to look to her deleted e-mails to see if there’s anything from that Nigerian prince.
LENO: That's how bad it is.
FALLON: Let me tell you, the economy's so bad, I saw Wolfgang Puck eating Chef Boyardee.
LENO: You never see that!
