Trash Talk. 

http://imustimes.wordpress.com/2009/01/05/anybody-miss-imus/

I'm not kidding...

Fox just announced it... 

"...peace is the highest aspiration of the American People. We will negotiate for it, sacrifice for it, we will never surrender for it, now or ever." President Ronald Reagan~ January 20, 1981

My wife sent this to me and I almost puked I was laughing so hard. Body function alert!

                       
Killer Chili

I went grocery shopping recently while not being
altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous
evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're
definitely going to $h!t yourself' chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point
of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat
it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.

Here's the
thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all
of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite
habanera peppers swi mming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable
to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as
'thunder and lightning'.

Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come,
yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for the market, a local Wal-Mart
grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits.

Upon
entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began
pushing it about dropping items in for purchase It wasn't until I was at the
opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me.

Oh,
don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to
that 'Uh, Oh, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The
thing is, this pain was different.

The habaneras in the chili from the
night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their
way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intes tines,
and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would
bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning
shot.

There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle,
suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been
recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape
me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my
body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman
turned into it.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see
what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to
dissipate. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally?
Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to
relate.

I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as
she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so
terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to
stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward
off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh.
.......BIG mistake!!!!!

Here's the thing. When you laugh,
it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new
guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud
and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked,
fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a
shotgun.

Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming,
and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the
whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took
place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the
john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet sea t because
my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the
middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe' . He made a gagging sound,
and disgustedly said, 'Sonofabitch!', then quickly left.

Once finished I
left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on
with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might
want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a
stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a
minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'

That of course
set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one
sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in
an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later
with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked
none too kindly not to re turn.

Home again without having shopped, I
realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two
more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Albertson's. I can't say anymore
about that because we are in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're
going to have to repaint the store..

With apologies,

Gary

"Democracy is two wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for lunch. Liberty is a well-armed lamb contesting the vote."

OPERATION: HAL

Will be commencing shortly.