Popped et al,

WASHINGTON, DC—In a nationally televised address reminiscent of
President Kennedy's historic 1961 speech pledging to put a man on the
moon, President Bush responded to the global warming crisis Monday by
calling for the construction of a giant national air conditioner by the
year 2015.

"Climate change is real and it demands a real solution," Bush said.
"Therefore, I am committed to dedicating all of the technology, all of
the brainpower, and all of the resources we need in order to keep
America cool and comfortable well into the 21st century."

The National Air Conditioner Initiative is expected to be the largest
public works project in the nation's history. Because technology
capable of creating an air conditioner that can fulfill the cooling
needs of a continental land mass does not presently exist, the
president estimated that research and development alone will require at
least $100 trillion in both federal and private sector funds.

"The challenge of building an air conditioner for all Americans will be
the greatest we have ever faced," Bush said. "But we must face it. We
must act now to ensure that our children and our children's children
can live in a world where they don't get sweaty and have to change
their shirts all the time."

While Bush's speech left many questions unanswered, such as whether the
one-touch cooling settings would be under federal or state
jurisdiction, reaction from congressional Democrats and Republicans has
been largely favorable.

"I applaud the administration for finally taking this issue seriously,"
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said. "Such a giant apparatus means that
Americans from all walks of life, not just the wealthy and privileged,
will be able to get relief from the rise in the Earth's surface
temperature. And it will create a great many jobs. Just removing and
rinsing out the huge filter will require tens of thousands of seasonal
laborers."

Petrochemical industry leaders voiced early support of the plan,
which would stimulate additional exploration and production of oil and
gas to satisfy the machine's staggering energy needs.

Some fiscal conservatives, however, decry the cost of the project
and the gargantuan electric bills that would result, saying that a
series of mile-high oscillating fans stationed in the Pacific Northwest
and blowing in the direction of the jet stream would accomplish
essentially the same thing and save billions. Conservative commentator
Pat Buchanan expressed his concern that illegal aliens would benefit
unfairly from the air conditioner, since many of them work outside, and
questioned President Bush's ability to "seal the nation's borders in
order to keep the cool air in."

Environmental groups like the Sierra Club have taken a tough stance
on the president's plan, demanding it contain legally binding language
that ensures the air conditioner will be switched to a special
energy-conserving "sleep" setting when the country cools off at night.
The White House has shown interest in an "economy mode" option that
could be used in the event of a budgetary crisis, but it is still
unknown whether such a massive unit would qualify for an Energy Star
certification, let alone accommodate built-in money-saving features.

The strongest opposition to the plan has come from Canada. Because
the proposed National Air Conditioner would cover 90 percent of the
state of North Dakota and face south, the U.S.'s northern neighbor
would be directly in the path of superheated air expelled from the
machine's back vents. Though Prime Minister Stephen Harper said this
would create drought conditions and devastate their farmlands, most
believe Canada lacks the clout to halt Bush's air-conditioning agenda.

American air conditioner manufacturers, with whom President Bush
reportedly consulted extensively prior to announcing the initiative,
will soon be awarded tens of trillions of dollars to design and build
the components necessary for the giant unit. Industry leader Lennox is
expected to receive at least $30 trillion, including a massive
installation fee, while the Carrier Corporation, Trane, and Amana are
all jockeying for the next largest contracts.

"Global warming threatens us all, whether we're mowing our lawns,
rafting down a river in a national park, or driving to the end of the
driveway to get our mail," Bush said. "The task that lies ahead is
undeniably hard. But if we do not succeed, we will be profoundly
inconvenienced. And I promise you: America will not let that happen."

Speaking at a Democratic National Committee fundraiser Monday night,
Al Gore said that now that Bush has taken up the cause of global
warming, the former vice president and environmental activist will
redirect his energies toward developing a personal spacecraft capable
of transporting a family of four to a distant planet.

This is Fantastic!

Syrius

Al Gore used up his celebrity dropouts and now is seaking political ones:

Al Sharpton, College Dropout

Alicia Keys, College Dropout
Alicia Silverstone, High School Dropout
Art Bell, College Dropout
Ben Affleck, College Dropout
Ben Stiller, College Dropout
Billy Jean King, College Dropout
Brad Pitt, College Dropout
Cameron Diaz, High School Dropout
Diane Keaton, College Dropout
Drew Barrymore, High School Dropout
Ed Begley Jr., High School Diploma
George Clooney, College Dropout
Gwyneth Paltrow, College Dropout
Jason Biggs, College Dropout
Jennifer Connelly, College Dropout
John Travolta, High School Dropout
Joshua Jackson, High School Dropout
Julia Louis-Dreyfus, College Dropout
Julia Roberts, College Dropout
Keanu Reeves, High School Dropout
Kevin Bacon, High School Dropout
Kiefer Sutherland, High School Dropout
Leonardo DiCaprio, High School Dropout
Madonna (Madonna Ciccone), College Dropout
Matt Damon, College Dropout
Michael Moore, College Dropout
Nicole Richie, College Dropout
Olivia Newton-John, High School Dropout
Paris Hilton, High School Dropout
Pierce Brosnan. High School Dropout
Queen Latifah (Dana Elaine Owens), College Dropout
Richard Branson, High School Dropout
Robert Redford, College Dropout
Rosie O'Donnell, College Dropout
Sarah Silverman, College Dropout
Sean Penn, College Dropout
Sienna Miller, High School Diploma
Uma Thurman, High School Dropout
Willie Nelson, High School Dropout + College Dropout

The Anti 'Man-Made' Global Warming Resource

I think that one's a keeper. :-)

Theme for Election '08: I want my mommy!

AW prairie sh!t everyone

I was a professional twice over - an analyst and a therapist. The world's first analrapist

OkieDokie,

"STOP IMPORTING TENS OF THOUSANDS OF NEW PEOPLE INTO AMERICA -- you know those who will use all the available resources."

As in new babies?!? I didn't know you were Pro-Choice. Welcome!

Syrius

"...the dire consequences to society when people begin to believe that by
renaming someone to erase their humanity opens the door to the
devaluation of everyone's life..."-dscott