Dear Abby, Is There Any ‘Lifestyle’ You Won’t Embrace?

Dear Abby, Is There Any ‘Lifestyle’ You Won’t Embrace?

By Matthew Philbin (Bio | Archive)
July 31, 2009 - 09:46 ET

Here’s a dilemma: You come to find out that Cilla, the sister who’s been generously contributing thousands of dollars to your three kids’ college funds, is actually a porn star. The college cash turns out to be the ill-gotten gains of immoral exploitation. You’re horrified and consider returning the money. Your husband disagrees. What do you do?

“G-Rated Sister in San Diego” wrote to the syndicated advice column “Dear Abby” for advice. Understandably, she wrote, “Abby, I don't want my sister's sexual exploits paying for our kids' education … Should we return the money? And if we do, is it possible to do it without causing a rift between my sister and me?”

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If “Sister” was hoping for the easy way out, she turned to the right advice columnist. Jeanne Phillips (the “Dear Abby” writer) replied that “Sister” was being “emotional;” her husband, “pragmatic.”

“If you refuse her generosity, it will appear that you are rejecting her. Nor do I think your children should be penalized because you don't approve of Cilla's lifestyle.”

[Sigh] Don’t be such an up-tight prude. The important thing is that the money makes your life easier and your porn star sister doesn’t feel rejected.

Phillips went on: “You're not going to change your sister. You may not approve, but love her for the generous and caring aunt she is trying to be and let the money be used for something positive.”

If you really must be [shudder] judgmental, then rationalize taking the money by telling yourself it’s for a “positive” goal. Just so long as you don’t do anything to harm you sister’s self esteem.

As the Culture & Media Institute has chronicled, Phillips is a reliable advocate for liberal sexuality and moral relativism. CMI found that in 2007, 53 percent of her columns rejected traditional morality, and she rarely found adultery or teenage sexual activity wrong.

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Dear Abby, My brother is

July 31, 2009 - 09:54 ET by Franksam

Dear Abby,

My brother is a contract killer who also sells illegal immigrant children into sexual slavery when the murder business goes soft. Is it okay if one of the child sex slaves mows my lawn? I don't touch them or anything, and it does save me five dollars a week. Please advise.

Franksam

Nope--wrong

July 31, 2009 - 09:58 ET by StarAZ

Being a porn star is not illegal. Big difference. College is expensive given out of love--it's not like these were political contributions.

Making dough for the kids

July 31, 2009 - 10:51 ET by CO2Maker

I run a Nazi-Klan-Hizbollah-anti-gay site and make tons of money by selling heavy metal CDs rapping about killing the homo-Jew-Catholics who are running America into the ground, with that undocumented biracial president cheering us on.

My sister got her panties all in a wad because I offered her $20K for the kids' college. Now I'm offended and my feelings are hurt. She says she doesn't want money that I made with my quite legal activities. She's rejecting me! What can I do?

Take the money

July 31, 2009 - 11:35 ET by ArcherB

So your sister is giving you the 20K back. I suggest you invest into promoting your site. That 20K that could have sent her kids to seminary school can now be used to spreading the truth about the black-gay-jews' attempts to corrupt our children (or something).

Be sure to thank your sister for her investment dollars.

"To send men to the firing squad, judicial proof is unnecessary."

--Ernesto "Che" Guevara

Although with this

July 31, 2009 - 11:50 ET by Wisdom

Although with this hypothetical, it is hard to make the comparison because you simply couldn't make that much money off something that there is little to no demand for; I say if she rejects the money, then offer it to someone else's college fund.

I know if I was your sister I would be accepting as much money as you gave me, every last penny. And I still wouldn't like you.

Not the same

July 31, 2009 - 11:51 ET by ArcherB

Exploiting children or physically harming others is one things, but the situation we are talking about is one where an adult who makes her own choices in life. If you don't like, then that's your choice, but you can not take away her right to make her own choices. God gave us free will for a reason.

As for the money, I say take it. If you can make something good come from it, then so be it. Since we already know that you do not aprove of the choices your sister has made, who do you think will make better use of the money? Do you really think your "porn star" sister will put the money to a use that is better than educating your kids?

"To send men to the firing squad, judicial proof is unnecessary."

--Ernesto "Che" Guevara

Exactly. Which way will the

July 31, 2009 - 12:05 ET by Wisdom

Exactly. Which way will the money be put to better use? A porn star using it for themselves or the money going for a kid's college education?

Let's just hope they don't make this an official, labeled scholarship. Who wants to be known as the kid with the porn star scholarship? Actually, come to think of it, I know a lot of college kids who would wear that label proudly... lol.

Actually...

July 31, 2009 - 13:16 ET by onewiseguy

...with the state of colleges and Universities these days (i.e. cesspools of liberal indoctrination) I would say using the money for a college education would be a tremendous waste of money. You're better off requiring them to earn college (i.e. scholarships, grants, working part-time, GI Bill from Military, etc) if they wish to go to college and putting the money in separate trust funds for them when they turn 30 to allow them to buy a house, invest in their retirement, or anything else they wish to do with it. At least if they learn to earn things in life they should develop a healthy respect for capitalism and become an asset to society rather than another idiotic liberal.

Captain Hyperbole

July 31, 2009 - 15:33 ET by someloudthunder

You know what's not even comparable to the situation in this article. Quit being silly.

Interesting

July 31, 2009 - 10:03 ET by legacyrepublican

A similar situation happened to someone in my family.

You have to take a stand and do what is right.

All I can say is that money is not everything. There is a real peace knowing you are not contributing to making the world a worse place by supporting something evil even if it is trying to support you.

Sorry

July 31, 2009 - 10:15 ET by paulnashtn

I do NOT agree with your assessment of this situation. Abby is not there to give the correct moral judgment, if you want that then ask a Pastor, Priest, or Rabbi.

Abby is there to give out ways to get along in society, that obviously is NOT always the moral thing to do. Which is a totally different problem :-)

I do agree with her on this one though "Hate the sin, LOVE the sinner"

FREEDOM

→ Dear Abby

July 31, 2009 - 15:38 ET by Cool Arrow

Both Abigail Van Buren and hertwin sister, Ann Lander, have been dead for quite some time.

Abby is not there to give the correct moral judgment

To tell the truth, Abby isn't there at all.

Hope is an excuse for doing nothing - Rush Limbaugh

Abby isn't there at all.

July 31, 2009 - 15:45 ET by misterbill

-- and even when she was, she wasn't all there!!!!

Dear Abby

July 31, 2009 - 16:17 ET by paulnashtn

The fact that Abigail Van Buren is dead is fairly well known and mentioned in a couple of comments before mine. In case you failed to notice, her column is still called DEAR ABBY and people still write to "Abby"even though most understand that it is , in fact her daughter that now writes the column. I am glad you are so observant.

FREEDOM

Fact is

August 2, 2009 - 00:18 ET by ACW

Pauline Esther Freidman ,Aka Abigail Van Buren, Aka as Dear Abby is not dead. She turned 91 in July and although in declining health for some time she is very much alive.

I've gotta side with Abby on

July 31, 2009 - 10:22 ET by Bruzilla

I've gotta side with Abby on this one. So the sister is a porn star, so what? If she were a mainstream actress, and was paid a million dollars for a movie where she gets naked and has "simulated sex" (Hallie Berry ring a bell?) is she any less, or any more, moral than this sister? Pretty subjective call there.

Her sister is going to do whats he wants to do, and people who like what she does are going to pay her well to do it. It's the free market system at work.

I was thinking the same

July 31, 2009 - 11:22 ET by Wisdom

I was thinking the same thing. This is the free market system at work. The money came from the pocket of porn consumers and into a college education fund. What's wrong with that? I can't think of any better way to use the money than for a kid to go to college.

And to NB, you said the Dear Abby writer "rarely found adultery wrong"? That is just not true. She has said "infidelity is not justified under any circumstances." I can think of ONE TIME where it was questionable and that was because a woman had no intimate relationship/feelings for her husband for a long time and questioned if something was missing. She soon realized she was gay and had feelings for her female friend. She asked if she found what has been missing. "Abby" said it appears so. She never condoned the act of adultery here, even though some debated this specific instance. Either way, to say she "rarely found adultery wrong" is untrue and quite slanderous.

Dear Abby

July 31, 2009 - 10:26 ET by MillerTimeWarp

I am in a position of which I do not below. I am more suited to sell used cars from my mother's front yard. I drink nonalcoholic beer and usually put my foot in my mouth. I am somewhat of a gaffe-machine. Whales beach themselves because I touch myself. Please advice

Joe, (May I call you

July 31, 2009 - 10:39 ET by ex buff e-dub

Joe, (May I call you Joe?)

Just invite yourself along to grab a beer with a coupla friends in the back yard. After a few handsfull of beer nuts, you'll all get along.

BEER nuts ?

July 31, 2009 - 10:42 ET by MillerTimeWarp

Whoopsie....misread your last post. Grabbed the wrong nuts. Oh well, Shamu the whale is overrated anyways. Seals make me laugh. Clowns are scary......daisy...daisy.....

Wow--

July 31, 2009 - 10:42 ET by misterbill

"Whales beach themselves because I touch myself."

What kind of whales might they be??????

Joe! Is that you?

July 31, 2009 - 10:58 ET by CO2Maker

For a second, I thought you were the vice president. Up to the business about whales. Then I realized you must be with Greenpeace or PETA.

BTW, those whales can't be right whales, or humpback (not a correct term). I think they're sperm whales.

We all have to make

July 31, 2009 - 10:57 ET by Dan The Man 2

We all have to make decisions we can live with. But, all money is God's and with this in mind all money is essentially what God allows us. So keep the money and dont worry about where it comes from, but at the same time we should not let up on the morality of what your sister isdoing to make money.

Does it sound like a double standard, perhaps to those uninitiated in the idea that God owns everything. The basic thing though if accepting the money makes u stumble then don't accept it.

God or Mammon?

July 31, 2009 - 11:03 ET by V the K

It's quite rare in life one is offered the opportunity to literally sell one's soul.

Once upon a time...

July 31, 2009 - 11:30 ET by lbcdawn

a long long time ago. My polar opposite brother called to say he wanted to start sending money for each of my childrens college education. Sounded great whilst wearing the rose colored glasses. Total sent to date $25. I think the whole deal soured when he asked my oldest what he wanted to be when he grew up and he said a preacher-must have hurt atheist uncles feelings.

~lbcdawn Religion is about doing. Christianity is about done.

have a ball

July 31, 2009 - 11:37 ET by Rousse

The only thing "Dear Abby" (Jeanne Phillips) doesn't believe in is strongly-held religious convictions. That makes you a bigot. But aside from that---have a ball.

I may be horrible

July 31, 2009 - 12:45 ET by katiejane

but I'd keep the money and tell the sis her "lifestyle" was a disgrace. Of course she's judging the woman - and by her standards found her lacking in quality.

Tolerance?

July 31, 2009 - 13:00 ET by pgrossjr

"Tolerance is the virtue of a man without conviction."

G.K. Chesterton

John Prine said it best...

July 31, 2009 - 13:24 ET by Tom Paine

Dear Abby, Dear Abby, well I never thought.

That me and my girlfriend would ever get caught.

We were there in the back seat just shooting the breeze.

With her hair up in curlers and her pants at her knees.

Signed – Just Married

Just Married, Just Married, you have no complaint.

You are what you are, and you ain’t what you ain’t.

So listen up Buster, and listen up good.

Stop wishing for bad luck and knocking on wood.

Signed – Dear Abby

Go Dr. Laura

July 31, 2009 - 14:15 ET by Anneke9

I stopped reading the Dear Abby column after the original "Abby" turned it over to her daughter (Jeanne Phillips). It was obvious from the start that the Next Generation was just your run-of-the-mill, liberal, moral relativist.

If you want good, sound, moral advice, listen to Dr. Laura.

___________________________________________

Camouflage conservative in Baghdad-by-the-Bay

Why doesn't the sister

July 31, 2009 - 14:24 ET by Radical1979

Why doesn't the sister return the money to the porn star and advise her that now she can take the opportunity to get out of the business and go back to school. I would imagine there would be a limited number of years you can be in that business, and she should prepare for the future.

I would eliminate contact with my children and that sister. Otherwise the childen will see you as condoning the lifestyle, and I doubt the g-rated sister feels that way.

I would eliminate contact with my children and that sister. Oth

July 31, 2009 - 19:48 ET by shawn228

Thats pretty sad, when the sister wants to give some hard earned money to help her kids which she can use herself. You would cut her children out her sisters life, just because she does not live up your standards? Thats quite cold radical.

"I swear sometimes the self-appointed moral police are as obnoxious and demanding of big government interference as "environmentalist" gun control advocates, labor unions and trial lawyers" ~fitzfong

Yep

July 31, 2009 - 19:59 ET by general company

Especially after showing such affection to her children. If you cant talk about this with your sister, then who really has the problem here? I mean your its your sister, if not you then who?

My Gov. thinks I am dangerous, so be careful

"Television is a freak show" Bernie Goldberg

GC????????????

July 31, 2009 - 20:12 ET by shawn228

No sarcasm here, I really have no idea what you are saying, can you elaborate?

I really have no idea

July 31, 2009 - 22:24 ET by bretzysdude

I really have no idea what you are saying

*stifles laugh*

Well bretzydude

August 1, 2009 - 00:35 ET by shawn228

...perhaps you can explain to me then?

Geez Shawn

August 1, 2009 - 18:56 ET by general company

It's in English, I have a large family, would never go to a stranger (Abby) to ask advice about how to deal with any of them. I will face my sisters with honesty and trust. I believe the word is Love.

In the immortal words of Johny Cash: Man turns his back on his family ain't no good

My Gov. thinks I am dangerous, so be careful

"Television is a freak show" Bernie Goldberg

Thx gc

August 1, 2009 - 22:23 ET by shawn228

I was not understanding at first, must be the liberal in me ;-) Strange as it sounds, sometimes its better to talk to a stranger than family. With family you are afraid on how they might react, with a stranger you could not care less.

gc I'm not saying I won't

August 1, 2009 - 19:07 ET by Radical1979

gc I'm not saying I won't talk with my sister or have a relationship, but I won't have my children exposed to that. Maybe when they are old enough to understand the ramifications of the life she has chosen, but they would have to be pretty old for that.

Sure

August 1, 2009 - 19:53 ET by general company

But I think if your sister has enough compassion to help with your kids education, she would also have enough respect to keep it out of your home and away from the kids. This is a tough situation, but I happen to think the "porn star" has her heart in the right place. It is unthinkable to me to not take that in consideration. Look the knee jerk reaction is to shun her, but her gesture is phenomenal. She says this (through her actions) and then may have her sister reject her? I couldnt do it, couldnt even think about it.

My Gov. thinks I am dangerous, so be careful

"Television is a freak show" Bernie Goldberg

But gc what do you say when

August 1, 2009 - 20:02 ET by Radical1979

But gc what do you say when the kids ask where she works? Like I said, I wouldn't reject her, but I would feel the need to sheild my children. Being a parent isn't easy, there are lots of hard choices, and this is one of them.

As far as the money, to me it's like taking money committed in a crime. My belief is that she sells part of her soul every time she does porn. I prefer to help her out of that life, not give her a reason to keep doing it. It's not a rejection of her, it's a rejection of the life she's living and any possible affect it could have on my children. They come before her.

Just my way of thinking mind you

August 1, 2009 - 20:36 ET by general company

But gc what do you say when the kids ask where she works?

In town, or Entertainment. There are many things that should be kept away from or kids, age appropriate things. Use the same tactic.

Like I said, I wouldn't reject her, but I would feel the need to sheild my children.

Well I would certainly shield them from her "work", but if my sister can keep it out of my home and refrain from exposing her lifestyle to my kids then she would be very welcome in my home and our lives. I have had simular situations with friends and family that I wont get into, but it can work, even be fulfilling.

Being a parent isn't easy, there are lots of hard choices, and this is one of them.

Absolutly, but this is easy, you set the ground rules such as I have discussed, and I think everyone will find the "problem" will leave you in peace. If not then you have "hard choices" to make. Like I said though, I think the "porn star" has her heart in the right place, so I think this is easy.

As far as the money, to me it's like taking money committed in a crime.

I can understand this, in this case you should respectfully refuse it. But if I could not accept it, I might put it into an account and save it for her.

My belief is that she sells part of her soul every time she does porn.

Well it is her life, as much as we want to control others, it is a brick wall, cant be done. Reason and compassion can help, but require lots of work and time.

I prefer to help her out of that life, not give her a reason to keep
doing it. It's not a rejection of her, it's a rejection of the life
she's living and any possible affect it could have on my children.
They come before her.

Perfectly acceptable line of thinking. I realy dont think your concerns are any different then mine might be. I have just learned, nobody need understanding when things are going well, they need it most when it is inconvenient and dire. I wish I had a dollar every time I did something for someone I swore I would never do for again, way back when it was quite a rodeo. : ]

My Gov. thinks I am dangerous, so be careful

"Television is a freak show" Bernie Goldberg

Shawn I don't want my

August 1, 2009 - 19:04 ET by Radical1979

Shawn I don't want my children exposed to a lifestyle I consider immoral and dangerous. Yes, I have standards and as a parent my job is to protect my children from things that are harmful. It may seem cold, but my husband and children come first. I'll never apologize for that.

No ones asking you to apologize radical

August 1, 2009 - 22:28 ET by shawn228

I just feel if a relative is so selfless to give my child money that she worked so hard for that she could have spend herself, I would consider myself extremely prudish and judgemental.

If your sister is a porn star, it does not mean she is going to teach felatio 101 to your children. Why does what she does outside of your home have any effect on your children?