The Top Ten Reasons It Sucks to Be David Letterman

I have had it with Letterman! I used to defend this guy to all of my friends who liked Leno better. I would say from a comic stand point that Jay was a great comic but Letterman was more original and had more style and class than Leno. Two recent events have changed my mind: Jay’s classy departure from the “Tonight Show” and Letterman’s classless left-wing attacks on the kids of politicians.

A comic needs to be an equal opportunity offender. We can’t pick sides in politics. We can have a point of view and a favorite but being a comic means when our guy drops the ball, you have to pick it up and smash it in his face. My friend and political opposite, Will Durst, said this a few years back about Mort Saul (I am paraphrasing here), “You can’t sit down to dinner with the Reagans and then pretend you’re still willing to sling mud at them.”

That is what is wrong with comedians like Letterman, Garofalo, and Stewart. They only see one side. Why do none of them at least give love taps to Obama? Why didn’t at least one of them make some comedic hay out of Obama gaffs like “57 states” and a reference to speaking “Austrian?”

The guy is the President and he can’t shake his mother-in-law and you can’t find a joke in that?

Not one of these comics can come up with one joke about Obama like, “Since Michelle Obama’s mother is living in the White House, does that mean it is qualified as section 8 housing?”  Or, “Did you ever notice that President Obama is like a televangelist, no matter how much money you send him, he still asks for more?”

So I decided to give Dave a send off with one of his favorite bits, a top ten list. Here are my top ten reasons it sucks to be David Letterman:

10) In a few years his “baby momma” is going to leave and take half his stuff.

9) 30-year-old Alfred E. Newman look-a-like, kind of cute; 60-year-old Alfred E. Newman look-a-like, just creepy!

8) Held onto double-breasted suit look longer than Billy Ray Cyrus had his mullet.

7) Amount of Botox needed to smooth out face would kill a humpback whale.

6) Wanted to be racecar driver but couldn’t find crash helmet big enough to cover ego.

5) By the time his son graduates from college he’ll be dead.

4) Once his stalker got to know him she started following Leno around.

3) Has lower ratings than Glenn Beck or Bill O’Reilly.

2) Got passed over for Leno, O’Brien, Fallon, Kimmel, Ferguson, and Kilborn.

1) Three words, “You’re on CBS.”

Originally posted June 14, 2009, on Andrew Breitbart's Big Hollywood blog.