ABC’s ‘The Real O’Neals’: Jesus Is Boring, Spontaneous Gay Musical Interludes Are Awesome

Most televisions shows written by agenda-driven social justice warriors bent on spreading cultural rot will wait until at least Episode 5 or 6 before letting fly with their veritable cornucopia of obsessive masturbation, gay teen romance, and teeny bopper menstruation cycles.

Then there’s ABC’s The Real O’Neals.

Apparently determined to induce nausea by week 3, Tuesday night’s episode, titled ‘The Real Lent,’ began with an introduction into how religion ruins everything, and how religious moms don’t like gays:

Kenny: Holidays in our family were a little unique, mostly because my mom was able to insert Jesus into all of them. Anyone could do it for Christmas and Easter, but my mom really had game.

Eileen: You know what's even brighter than those sparklers? The light of Christ.

Kenny: But St. Patrick's Day was different because it was all about fun. And the center of our fun was the O'Neal family float in our neighborhood St. Patrick's Day parade.

Pat: Hey, guys, come on! Ha-ha! Here she is! Beautiful!

Shannon: Is it?

Jimmy: Well, I think last year we literally rode her hard and put her away wet.

Eileen: Yeah, she could use some sprucing up. And this year, in light of recent events, I think we'll ditch the rainbow.

Kenny: Okay, hurtful. But I'll never turn down a trip to Felicia's Fabrics.

Really? She could work Jesus into the 4th of July and Halloween, but somehow was thwarted by SAINT Patrick’s Day? Whatever. All you as the viewer need to take from that segment is that religion is a cumbersome and all-encompassing bore that steals the joy out of everything and prevents people from attaining true happiness. As MRC's Brent Bozell and Tim Graham have written before, this show contains a ferociuos anti-Catholic bias.

Also, what’s up with the “rode her hard and put her away wet” line the kid drops in front of his mother? Seriously?

Yet, religion did make its way back into the family discussion when the mom, Eileen (Martha Plimpton) sits the entire tribe down and reminds them of their obligations during that ultimate bummer of a religious event, Lent:

Eileen: It occurs to me that with all the hubbub and excitement about St. Patrick's Day we've gotten distracted from what's really important about this time of year -- lent

Kenny: She finally did it. She managed to bring Jesus into St. Patrick's Day.

Jesus: Seriously, I have to work on St. Patrick's Day, too? I was supposed to go to Sandals with Buddha and Vishnu.

Kenny: Sorry.

Eileen: Lent is the time of year when we are supposed to atone for our sins. This family's got plenty to atone for.

Jimmy: We all gave up stuff already.

Kenny: Yeah, I gave up girls.

Jimmy: I gave up novel-reading.

Shannon: I gave up crossfit.

Pat: I gave up a Zac Efron movie in which he plays a deejay.

Eileen: None of these things are real.

Pat: Oh, I thought so, too, but I saw the trailer. It's real.

Eileen: We should be giving up things that are keeping us from being better people. So, Jimmy, you need to give up your long "Showers." Everyone knows what you're doing in there.

Jimmy: What? I'm not... I don't -- what -- I-I -- it takes a long time for me to shampoo my hair, mom.

Ah, those tender family moments. Surrounding yourself with kith and kin, sharing, caring, listening to your mother chastise you in front of the entire family for chronic masturbation. If that sounds familiar, you have my sympathies. And my recommendations for psychological help. Apparently this is what happens when we take Jesus out of the family holiday. This is the second appearance Jesus has had in only 3 episodes on this show, as MRC's Alexa Moutevelis Coombs has noted. There seems to be a concerted effort on the part of The Real O'Neals to use Jesus as a witness against himself.

Next up we get our cute gay first date, complete with spontaneous musical:

Waitress: Two vegan raw apple pies.

Ricky: Thanks.

Waitress: Enjoy.

Kenny: Ugh. Whoever called this apple pie is a liar. It's like someone sneezed in my mouth. Um, so, your parents -- they're -- they're cool with you being gay and vegan and getting petitions signed in parking lots?

Ricky: Yeah, my parents live in a tree. Yours?

Kenny: House. And my mom -- she's not really cool with anything. She doesn't know I'm on this date. This is actually my first date with a guy. Am I going overboard? I wouldn't know 'cause it's my first time going overboard on a date with a guy.

Ricky: I think if you tell the waitress, she'll give you a free artichoke.

Kenny: Oh, my god. My first gay date was everything I imagined it would be...and more.

Important to note here, that Kenny is 16 years old in this show, in keeping with the trend on shows like The Fosters, and others, where they portray extremely young people as extremely gay. I can only assume to reinforce the “they were born that way” agenda that the LGBT crowd tries to impose.

The Real O’Neals is also guilty of something else: it’s just not funny. The show’s hodgepodge of cultural rot and depravity under the guise of a normal, blue-collarish Irish family just doesn’t come off well. It’s an agenda disguised as a sitcom. Which, sadly, makes it fit right in with about 90% of the ABC line-up.

Dylan Gwinn
Dylan Gwinn
Dylan Gwinn is an author and sports talk radio host.