Note: Normal people might find some of this offensive. (We hope. Dear Lord, please!)
Media types continue to duke it out labeling anyone and anything they can as alt-right. As long as it’s bad. A quick Google finds lefty journalists obsessed with the term. The Atlantic warning of another Boys From Brazil reality: “Will the Alt-Right Peddle a New Kind of Racist Genetics?” Or The Daily Beast upset about, “The Jews Begging to Join the Alt-Right.”
As I wrote in a Foxnews.com oped, the alt-left is unique. It’s not trying to be different than its radical fringe. “They are not alternative. Their mainstream is radical and out of the American mainstream on almost everything.” But the name alt-left is still fair. They are alternative. Or, to quote singer Todd Snider, “alternative to alternative.” (Yes, English profs, that’s a double negative. This is who the left is.)
They can’t come to grips with their new reality -- that The Anointed One (™) lost to Trump. It’s so bad, that liberals need a hygge. Not a hug. This is a special Scandinavian safe space that’s not even in IKEA. Here’s The Daily Beast: “If a Trump presidency is a dark, years-long winter storm, hygge is your refuge—a life replete with flickering candles and fireplaces, knitted scarves, shearling blankets, warm milk, muesli, and friends or family.”
Yeah, the next four or eight or 12 or 16 years of Trump/Pence are going to be fun. The alt-left has spent 2016 in its own nation-sized rubber room. In dishonor of their memory, here are seven examples of how insane the alt-left really has become. These all come from my weekly column, which I’ve been doing about half a year now. Imagine how awful this list would be if I had a whole year’s worth of examples. Here they are, in their original glory.
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1. The Foes Of Faux Pho: Bon Appétit’s readers might have noticed a recent piece that was originally called: “PSA: This Is How You Should Be Eating Pho.” The story included a video of Philadelphia’s Stock chef Tyler Akin. Stock serves Southeast Asian food and Tyler has a problem, he’s white. The video showed how he eats Pho. And that’s a no-no. The HuffPo thought police responded with, “Why The Outrage Over Bon Appétit’s Pho Article Is Completely Justified.” Not just “justified,” but “completely justified.” They proceeded to quote every idiot they could find who was angry that a white guy might be an expert in something that white people didn’t invent. One site even called it “whitesplaining.” Bon Appétit went grovelling and responded “how we screwed up and what we can do about it.” Actual quote: “While Akin mentions in the video that he’s demonstrated his personal, preferred way of consuming pho, the outlet’s packaging still positioned him as an authority.” This is America 2016. It’s controversial to have a white chef make ethnic food. But no one on the left refuses to use electricity or the telephone because scary old white men were involved in their invention.
2. If We All Eat Our Poop, Who Will Go Out To Eat?: Darn, I wish I could say I found this story on my lonesome. The credit goes to researcher extraordinaire Callista Ring who apparently knows my news judgment a bit too well. Author Josh Evans, “formerly the lead researcher at Nordic Food Lab in Copenhagen and is featured in the documentary film, BUGS,” tells us why we should eat poop. He wrote in Vice’s Munchies section that the natural next step from bugs is excremental. “Let us eat, and only eat, our own poop,” he suggested. I know that logic (see pun above) is hard for many to swallow (Booooo!). Evans actually is poop neutral. He theorizes that we might also eat cow and other animal flops since our critter friends will no longer be harvested themselves. Actual quote: “The only truly responsible course of action is to take our diets fully into our own hands and directly out of our rectums.” If Evans hadn’t also been recommending we eat bugs, it might be easy to think this is a tongue-in-cheek story. Sadly, it looks like he’s flush with ideas on how to do this. For context, Vice also features, “Insanely Realistic Fake Shrimp,” “meat free BBQ” and “wine without using grapes.” Yum.
3. Shooting Themselves in the Foot: Liberal site Vox is always good for an explainer (rationalizer) story that shows up is actually down and Obama is somehow a competent president. But the Ezra Klein site outdid itself this week by claiming AR-15 owners can somehow attach a grenade launcher to their guns. (Remember, of course, gay-killing Islamic terrorist Omar Mateen didn’t even use an AR-15 but why let that get in the way of an agenda?) IJ Review did one of several fun takedowns of Vox’s stupidity. Vox has made one other correction to the story, but the explosive allegation is still there. Yet somehow journalists take Vox seriously.
4. ‘How Witchcraft Helps Mental Health, Love, and Heartbreak’: Remember when publications for young people used to help teach them how to spell? That’s passé. Google “child's spelling book” and three of the top six results are about witchcraft, including Wicca for Beginners and The Teenage Spell Book. Whether you consider that insane or spiritually terrifying (or both), you can thank the media for giving us this witch’s brew. Teen Vogue has hopped on this pop culture broomstick and is flying around teaching young girls -- your children -- how to become witches. Welcome to what they call “another installment of ‘Ask a Witch.’" No, I’m not making this up. Actual quote: “Whether you’re looking for a new job, a better love life, or you're looking for a new form of meditation, there’s a spell for that — but witchcraft is a lot more than that.” Oddly, that list left out my choice – crackpottery. The article includes videos about “Why I’m A Witch” and talks about harvesting mugwort and “living magically.” The video profiles three women who actually claim to be witches, which shows you the quality of Teen Vogue. There is a whole cauldron of beliefs including divination, spirit contact, ancestor worship and a “pre-Christian” “mind state.” Actual Quote II: “‘I practice every day. Every moment is a magical process in some way or another,’ says Aerrin Kolfage, who also talks about the ways magic can be a tool for managing mental health.” I want to make a mental health joke here, but less about the women who think they are witches and more about the Teen Vogue staffers who think they are journalists.
5. Bashing A Holocaust Survivor: When people pass away, it’s a time when the sane try to remember who they were at their best. Not liberals, who will even attack one of the world’s most famous Holocaust survivors after he’s unable to defend himself. Mostly because he defended Israel. That’s how Alternet treated Elie Wiesel on his death. The piece was written by Max Blumenthal, “son of longtime Hillary Clinton confidant Sidney Blumenthal,” according to The Jerusalem Post. His comments were so disgusting that even Hillary Clinton repudiated them. Blumenthal bashed Wiesel’s “silence” about “increasingly unspeakable crimes against Palestinians.” Liberal moral equivalency says it’s OK for Palestinian terrorists to murder Israeli Jews, just don’t let Israelis defend themselves. Actual quote: “Reflecting on the impact of Wiesel’s work, Brooklyn College political science professor Corey Robin wrote that he had “turn[ed] the Holocaust into an industry of middlebrow morality and manipulative sentimentality” while sacralizing “the ovens [as] our burning bush.” Pretty obvious Blumenthal is the wrong person to be writing about “morality.”
6. Walls Are Evil, But There Are Cannibals On The Other Side: Your politics don’t matter. Whatever conservative election view you have, liberals hate you. They hate Trump. They hated the other 16 GOP candidates. They hate Evan McMullin. More importantly, they hate what you believe. Think we should control immigration? You’re evil. So, they make a movie about how evil it is to keep out the world and end up making a case for building the darn wall. Make a post-apocalyptic movie and use to make fun of whatever cultural issue you want -- like The Handmaid’s Tale. And The Daily Beast naturally is thrilled. In The Bad Batch, we have our heroine, “a striking young woman cast out by the powers that be, through a colossal metal fence separating Texas from a dystopian wasteland.” It wasn’t designed to bash Trump, just those opposed to illegal immigration. But filmmaker Ana Lily Amirpour has adapted. Actual quote: “Between the wall(s) and the xenophobia, it’s hard not to see Amirpour’s film as a rebuke of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump’s hardline stance on Mexico.” So, walls are bad, even when there are cannibals on the other side? Have they ever watched The Walking Dead?
7. ‘Everyone’s A Little Queer’: Yes, that’s an actual Fusion headline, proving once more that Salon is no longer king/queen/zir/ze of lefty craziness. It’s been supplanted by Univision’s website Fusion, which would probably call me some sort of ist name for being normal. “Welcome to the new America: Straight-ish, heteroflexible, and pansexual,” we are told. It’s almost like, hop on board of the train to the New America will leave you behind. Oh noes, we won’t be hip unless we become LGBTQIAETC! (The first seven letters are actually legit.) It’s almost a case of life imitating art, with the whole article being an update to Team America’s “Everybody Has AIDS” song. The story is filled with terms like “this brave new world,’ “homoerotic subtext” and “sexual fluidity.” But liberals aren’t trying to totally disrupt normal human relationships or anything. Actual quote from Suzanna Walters, the director of the women’s, gender, and sexuality studies program at Northeastern University: “Of course increased fluidity and breaking down the binary categories is all to the good. Who would contest that?” A show of hands, please?
