Why did USA Today put an obscure actor’s editorial on the front page of the Life section on Thursday? An actor who professed “I am not an expert on politics or medical care, nor am I fully educated in the intricacies of political chess”? They call it a "Special for USA Today," but probably don't mean that in a "Special Olympics" way.
Josh Gad – a star known for playing an idiot, both in the original religion-trashing “Book of Mormon” musical and the failed NBC White House sitcom “1600 Penn” – trashed Sen. Ted Cruz and non-compromising Tea Partiers in an editorial for being immature.
The headline? “Washington politicians could use a lesson in sixth-grade governance: Children understand compromise and cooperation; why don’t our grown-up leaders?” When this work of staggering genius continued to page 3-D, the headline was "An endless speech, signifying nothing."
In a story that strains credulity, Gad explains that when he was in sixth grade, the class president – “let’s call him Matthew Feris Catheter III” – wanted to raise funds for Florida schools ruined in Hurricane Andrew from student funds usually reserved for the formal spring dance.
Young Gad was apparently an early Tea Party type: “Was he the child of radicals? Was this bespectacled fatty with a Thermos filled with prune juice and a sunflower nut allergy a socialist at heart? It certainly seemed that way from where I sat.”
Then his mother wisely told him that “sometimes we need to make sacrifices for the greater good.” This leads somehow to Senator Cruz.
And so it was that I learned a life lesson that by sixth grade every child generally comes to understand. For every dispute there is a compromise, and sometimes we need to sacrifice for the greater good.
And so you can only imagine how shocked and confused I was to watch a grown man from Texas, who seemingly had passed through sixth grade, standing at a podium in the U.S. Senate, at risk of urinating on himself or worse while reading bedtime stories to prevent the president of his class, (i.e., America) from going through with something called Obamacare, which was passed over two years ago. It was also known as Obamacare then, and the Man from Texas didn't like it then.
Now, in the spirit of full disclosure, I am not an expert on politics or medical care, nor am I fully educated in the intricacies of political chess and the art of Washington talkathons (although I do love me some Mr. Smith Goes to Washington). But what I am an expert on is sixth-grade common logic. So, let me break this down in terms that could be understood by a class reading Huck Finn and studying pre-algebra.
Guy campaigns. Guy wins. Guy says I want universal health care. Constitution says Guy can get universal health care if Guy gets enough votes. Guy gets the votes. Universal health care passes. Guy's enemies take out ads saying Guy's health care plan kills old people. Old people somehow still alive. Guy wins another election. Guy's enemies try 20 times to overturn Guy's health care plan. Guy's enemies can't.
Man from Texas threatens to get a urinary tract infection if he doesn't get his way. Friends of Man from Texas threaten to shut down government. Guy scratches his head. Guy still doesn't understand. That about right? Did I miss anything?
Gad concluded: “I would like to bring to the attention of D.C. politicians the outcome of the Catheter Incident. After the class president gave the money to the districts in need, we supplemented the depleted funds with a new round of fundraisers and bake sales. Our proceeds doubled and we had the best formal imaginable. In other words, we were able to find a middle ground that satisfied both parties. I guess that only works in the sixth grade.”