Is Jeff Zucker happy that his prime-time host is trying to gin up attention on other airwaves by making crude male body part references? Or is this simply the "new" CNN?
CNN's Piers Morgan played himself as a CNN host on Monday night's CBS show 2 Broke Girls. On a mock set of his show, he interviewed one of the protagonists trying to defend her father's credibility against false and salacious claims, and Morgan delved into the questions over his manhood in the episode titled "And the Tip Slip." [Warning: Some readers may find the following language objectionable.]
What was Morgan investigating? The size of the father's penis. Handed a cell phone with its picture, Morgan marveled, "Well – I know what this is. I've got one. But whose is it, and why am I looking at it?" When the protagonist Caroline sheepishly explains that her father had a "tip slip," Morgan turned to the antagonist:
"Madam, I don't know what you're looking for in a man, but this – is far from inadequate. In fact, it's so far from inadequate, that I'm bringing this interview to an immediate close. Your book and you lack any credibility. That's it."
Before Caroline and her friend Max went live on Morgan's show, Caroline gasped at seeing Morgan in person from afar. "He looks dignified, like he's not gonna ask about a penis. But what if he does?"
Classy gentleman, that Piers.
Below is a relevant transcript of the show, which aired on CBS on May 6 at 9:23 p.m. EDT:
CAROLINE: Max, I don't know if I can do this. What if Sandra's telling the truth? She did know about my pink canopy bed. How would she know that?
MAX: Because everyone knows Barbie comes with a dream car, a pony, and a pink canopy bed included.
CAROLINE: There he is. There's Piers Morgan, live.
MAX: [Gasps] Do you think it's too soon to ask him to give me a discount at Piers 1?
CAROLINE: He looks dignified, like he's not gonna ask about a penis. But what if he does? Max, I can't do this.
MAX: Give me your phone. You need to remind yourself of the person your father used to be. Look, here he is working with UNICEF. And here he is water-skiing on Lake Rich Person. Look at that smile. Is that the smile of – hold up. Whoa, whoa, whoa. What's coming out of the left leg of his swim shorts? I think your father's junk is trying to tell me there's gonna be six more weeks of winter.
CAROLINE: What are you saying?
MAX: I'm saying, someone had a tip slip, and that is not a small tip. And as a waitress and a loose woman, I know a small tip when I see one. Here.
CAROLINE: Oooh! Sorry, sorry. She just showed me a picture of Anne Hathaway's new haircut. Well, this is good, because it proves that woman is lying.
MAX: Yep. We just have to show this to Piers.
CAROLINE: I told you, I'm not going near my father's penis. All I have to do is point out that that woman has no finance skills. Unlike her, we are taking the high road. Max, are you sending that to yourself?
PIERS MORGAN: I'm here with Sandra Rosenthal, who's just signed a huge book deal to do a kiss-and-tell on disgraced financier Martin Channing. Welcome to you, Sandra.
SANDRA ROSENTHAL: Hello, Piers. Thank you for allowing me to tell my story.
CAROLINE: It's a story, all right.
MORGAN: Wow, so we're right into it. Okay, well, let me catch up. My other guest is Caroline Channing, daughter of Martin Channing, who, to put it mildly, is claiming that your book, Ms. Rosenthal, is a bunch of bull.
CAROLINE: That's right, Piers. [British accent] It's pure rubbish, [Normal voice] as your people say.
MORGAN: That was perfectly American. Right, then, let me start with you. Well, to catch everybody up, Ms. Rosenthal's large book advance really has to do with something that turned out to be, by your words, very small. Comments, Ms. Channing?
MAX: Psst! Psst!
CAROLINE: I'd rather not comment about that, Piers, because I have class, but I do have a question for Ms. Rosenthal, who was hired by my father because she claimed she had a degree in finance. Ms. Rosenthal, if a train carrying 27 passengers leaves Grand Central station at 9 a.m., travels 800 miles to Chicago, arriving at 5 p.m., how fast was it traveling?
ROSENTHAL: Well, I –
CAROLINE: Simple math, Piers.
MORGAN: 100 miles an hour.
CAROLINE: I'm sorry?
MORGAN: That's your answer. Sorry, I'm a bit of a mathlete.
ROSENTHAL: I've got a math equation for you. If a 3-inch train is entering a tunnel, do I even know it's there?
MORGAN: Ladies, this isn't Maury Povich.
CAROLINE: Piers, I am simply trying to illustrate that she should have been able to answer it, had she been qualified for her job in finance.
ROSENTHAL: Everything that I am writing in the book is true, Piers. There is nothing that I have said that she can prove is untrue.
MORGAN: Wait a minute, why is there a woman under my desk?
CAROLINE: Oh, is there, Piers? Yes, my father defrauded a lot of people, and he's paying a price for that, but I'm not gonna sit by silently while she exploits him with lies for her own gain. Piers, there's so much about my father I want you to know, like he –
MORGAN: What is this? Well – I know what this is. I've got one. But whose is it, and why am I looking at it?
CAROLINE: It's my father's. He had a bit of a tip slip.
MORGAN: Madam, I don't know what you're looking for in a man, but this – is far from inadequate. In fact, it's so far from inadequate, that I'm bringing this interview to an immediate close. Your book and you lack any credibility. That's it.
[Reads slip of paper] Can you hook me up with a discount at Piers 1 imports?