NPR's "A Prairie Home Companion" broadcast from Arizona State University in Tempe, Arizona on January 19, and offered "humorous" advice to their Midwestern home base in Minneapolis about "Survival In The Desert." In a skit about seeking shelter from the intense desert heat, Garrison Keillor had a confrontation in a cabin with an old anti-government woman who hates liberals, gays, and the United Nations. Keillor's transcript listed this character simply as "Demented." It was shrieked by regular performer Sue Scott.
A transcript is below:
GARRISON KEILLOR: Wow. In luck again. There's a shack in that little arroyo there. I can hole up there until the rescue party comes. (CREAK OF DOOR) Hmmm. This door is all rusted shut. (CREAK, OPEN) All dark in here. (CHITTER OF SCORPIONS) Full of spiders and scorpions.
(DEMENTED): Who are you?
KEILLOR: I'm lost. Car burned up.
(DEMENTED): You're not from the government, are you?
(DEMENTED): You're not one of those government liberals, are you?
(DEMENTED): Cause if you are, I'll sic my dog on you. (LOW SNARL) Habla espanol?
KEILLOR: Don't know what you're asking me, ma'am?
(DEMENTED): You ain't one of them gays, are you? Are you?
KEILLOR: No, ma'am.
(DEMENTED): Then how come you don't seem to be attracted to me? Huh?
KEILLOR: Not attracted to you because I can see that you eat rodents. And that kinda makes for bad breath.
(DEMENTED): What you got against eating rodents? You want to come in here and share my shelter, I want to see you eat that rat. (Sound effect of rat)
ANNOUNCER: When dealing with a person who is clearly demented, go along with their demands, even if you find them repugnant----
KEILLOR: What? I will not.
ANNOUNCER: I think you better.
KEILLOR: I am not going to eat a rat.
ANNOUNCER: If you cannot, then do something to distract them.
KEILLOR: Wow, look out there, it's a United Nations peacekeeping force-----
(DEMENTED): What? Why those dirty----- (SHOTGUN BLASTS) go away, you dang Norwegians----
ANNOUNCER: And use whatever weapon you find at hand. (BWANGNGGGG)
We're told the old right-wing had falls "unconscious" after Keillor hit her with some sort of weapon.
NPR always underlines that Keillor's show is not an NPR show, but is distributed to NPR stations by American Public Media, but it airs on NPR stations all over America and is used at pledge time as a reason to donate. When you go to NPR.org and click on "Programs," it comes up in gray type as "Also heard on NPR stations" and you can click on their website.
(Hat tip: @NPR_Not_Neutral)