Washington Post Magazine humorist Gene Weingarten is letting his liberal politics fly in his “Below the Beltway” humor column again. On Sunday, abortion was funny – or to be precise, the Texas legislature passing a bill that requires a doctor to show a patient seeking an abortion a sonogram of her fetus, "describe its features," and make her hear its heartbeat.
Weingarten wrapped up his article by attacking Gov. Rick Perry: “Texas can use the ‘be forewarned’ approach to solve what might be its biggest problem. Problem: Electing idiot politicians, particularly squinty-eyed, know-nothing governors who wear their ignorance like a sheriff's badge."
Then, the "Solution: Equip all voting booths with a TV screen endlessly replaying the early Republican presidential debates."
After Weingarten explained how "Liberals consider this [law] to be state-sanctioned harassment," he joked that he disagreed. Why, Gene wrote, he could stop a potential pregnancy in its tracks with more disclosure:
My proposed law for Texas: Before a woman has sex with a man, she has to put on her makeup in the bathroom immediately after the guy has spent serious potty time there. Assuming she still wants to have sex with him, the next step is to make sure he knows what he is getting into: He must watch the lady walk around for a while with a sofa cushion under her shirt, kvetching about gas pains. Only then can they have sex. This will really cut down on abortions.
Since there was still space to fill, Weingarten fell back on his hobby horse of vegetarian politics:
Now that I think of it, Texas should use this same "be forewarned" principle to attack other problems.
Problem: Texas has among the highest levels of obesity.
Solution: Before you are allowed to swallow a piece of food, you have to chew it up real well and then open your mouth in front of a mirror and closely inspect what is on your tongue.
Alternatively, you could have to personally kill whatever you eat. Yes, this would create an onerous situation at, say, a drive-thru window, but all public-policy improvements involve sacrifices. You can't make an omelet without breaking some eggs, after strangling the chicken.
Speaking of alleged humor columnists who are more interesting in scoring points for liberals, Post humorist Alexandra Petri wrote a column Saturday raging against Rick Santorum. Try to find a joke:
But then every so often he says something that reminds me of what he believes women should be doing, which, by and large, is — as my colleague Jennifer Rubin pointed out — staying in the home cultivating traditional families. That’s where true fulfillment lies. Perish the mistaken thought that “professional accomplishments are the key to happiness.”
Silly women. Professional accomplishments are for men. Any notions to the contrary stem from, as Santorum called it in his 2005 book, “It Takes A Family,” “radical feminism’s misogynistic crusade to make working outside the home the only marker of social value and self-respect.”
I’m glad he’s here to tell us these things.
Those aren’t what women really want. And if there’s a man out there who knows what women really want, it’s Rick Santorum.
I have no objection to stay-at-home moms. I have no objection to working moms. What I object to is Rick Santorum telling me that he knows what is really best for women — whether it’s on the front lines or anywhere else. It’s nice that he thinks the women in the armed forces are “amazing and wonderful” and “a great addition.” They are, whether he thinks so or not.
That's the trouble with these family-focused candidates. Someone has to mind the family while the man of the house runs for president. It takes two to make a home, but God had some very specific things to say about exactly who should be doing most of the home work, ever since a little incident with an apple in a garden some unspecified number of years ago. We owe men one.