Comedian Dennis Miller did his weekly stint on the "O'Reilly Factor" Wednesday, and was in truly rare form.
Besides claiming that Hillary Clinton has "been cheated on more frequently than a blind woman playing Scrabble with gypsies," and calling her husband "a big, loopy horn dog," Miller marvelously depicted impeached Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich as "the only guy Barack Obama has met in the last five years of his life who has paid his taxes."
The entire delicious video and transcript are below the fold:
BILL O'REILLY, HOST: Thanks for staying with us. I'm Bill O'Reilly.
In the "Miller Time" segment tonight, as soon as I saw the Hillary Clinton swearing-in follies, I thought of Morris, as I told you, and of our pal, Dennis Miller. What was he thinking when he heard this?
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
HILLARY CLINTON, SECRETARY OF STATE: I am so grateful to him for a lifetime of all kinds of experiences, which have given me a -- which have given me an extraordinary richness that I am absolutely beholden to and grateful for.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
O'REILLY: Joining us now from L.A., the prince of perspicacity, full of the extraordinary of richness, Dennis Miller.
We were debating on the "Radio Factor" whether that was an intentional zing or if this was an ad lib that kind of happened naturally. What do you think?
DENNIS MILLER, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: Whatever it was, it was endearing. I love that sort of stuff. Good for her.
You know, I've said in the past on this show that, if Hillary does want to zing, she has, you know, plenty of right to. I mean, for God's sakes, she's been cheated on more frequently than a blind woman playing Scrabble with gypsies. But if it was a zing or if it was just sort of pillow talk in front of the nation, I find it endearing. I've grown fonder of Hillary Clinton since she ran for the presidency.
I think that it's emblematic of the Rolling Stones song, "You Can't Always Get What You Want," i.e., the grail. Sometimes you get what you need. And whatever she's gotten in the last couple of years, be it humbled or be it being humbled and then seeing the proletariat come to bat for her, getting outside the bubble, getting out of this man's shadow, not quite getting the job she wants, but a great wonk job, I think all of it has led her to a place where she's quite -- it's quite becoming. I find her very gracious and funny, and I thought that was charming.
O'REILLY: Did you feel sorry for Bill?
O'REILLY: I know that was a stupid question, but I had to ask it.
MILLER: Listen, Bill is like a big, loopy horn dog. He's just always around the scene. I think he rolls with it, man. He more than anybody realizes human imperfections.
It was never that part of Clinton that bugged me. It was how malicious he was with the women when he was finished. You know, that was the real problem. He would sic Carville on them, and that's what always bugged me. But as far as his sort of loopy amiability and his brights, no he never bugged me either. I just thought he was a little malicious, like a raccoon at a recycling bin, when he got cornered.
O'REILLY: All right, but he is the former president. And you expect some kind of decorum here. We don't want the whole world yucking up our little soap opera.
MILLER: You're kidding me. You're just saying this to be the devil's advocate. You loved that, too.
O'REILLY: I'm trying to have a dialogue with you, Miller, you know. I'm working on the raccoon. But I'm trying to -- look, I've got some calls.
MILLER: Ex-president -- ex-president doesn't mean what it used to, Billy. We're not talking Woodrow Wilson here.
O'REILLY: Maybe that's true. But...
MILLER: You know, we're talking about a guy who quite frankly, we know, has the most innermost sexual predilections. This is just the way we live right now.
O'REILLY: Well, the office does hold some kind of respect. I don't know about the people in it. But the office does.
But look, here's the conversation that we had on the radio which was interesting. We had a lot of guys coming up and saying, "Look, women will never forget. And if you ever do that, they're never going to forget. They're going to get you until you're dead. OK?" They're going to go bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing. All right? And that's it. It's always going to be the same. It will never go away. And you either deal with it or you leave. And Bill Clinton obviously is dealing with it.
Now, I submitted that Bill Clinton helped Hillary Clinton. She wouldn't be where she is today without him. I think that's absolutely true. All right. And maybe she should cut him a little slack. What do you think?
MILLER: You know, there's that great -- there's that great line in "Quiz Show" where Rob Morrow says to Ralph Fiennes that his uncle confessed an affair 10 years later because he got away with it. He said, "Why did you do that? Why did you upset the family?"
He said, "I did it because I got away with it."
I think Bill Clinton probably loves stuff like this. You know, it's her welcoming him back completely when she can joke about it and cuff him around a little bit about it. It's not the huge thing that it's been, I'm sure, in the past when it first happened.
I think that was marriage at its best right there. She's decided to make the long run with him. He's a bit loopy. There's good with bad. She's decided to kind of forget the bad. And isn't that what life is about when you're making the long run with another human being?
O'REILLY: All right. Now, Blagojevich is a short run guy. He's going to be on trial soon, I believe. But he doesn't go away. He doesn't go away. This is what I'm not getting. He did his little round of "I didn't do anything; I'm the victim," but he's still around. He even went on "Letterman" last night.
Roll the tape.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
DAVID LETTERMAN, HOST, CBS'S "LATE SHOW WITH DAVID LETTERMAN": Why exactly are you here? Honest to God.
ROD BLAGOJEVICH, IMPEACHED GOVERNOR OF ILLINOIS: Well, you know, I've been wanting to be on your show in the worst way for the longest time.
LETTERMAN: Well, you're on in the worst way. Believe me.
BLAGOJEVICH: Your audience obviously likes you. Everything you're saying they laugh at.
BLAGOJEVICH: That wasn't that funny, with all due respect.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
O'REILLY: All right. So what do you think he's -- what do you think he's doing?
MILLER: You know, there's the -- I guess it's akin to the same reason you go on "Letterman." There's that line at the end of "Annie Hall" when Woody Allen says, you know, relationships are up, down, crazy. They make no sense. They're insane, but we need the eggs."
I guess we need the eggs. I think Blagojevich is a reality show waiting to happen. The rise, fall, and rise of Rod Blagojevich. Would you not bet money on that? I kind of find him an endearing little guy.
O'REILLY: Yes, I think he's an attention junkie. And I think he knows his career in politics is on the rocks, so he's doing that. I see that. The reason I go on "Letterman," though, is to sell books. You know that, man. I mean, you know, I've got to get the word out.
OK. Now, Miller is a Pittsburgh guy, a Steel City son. And you must have been going -- you must have been a little nervous there in the fourth quarter, were you not?
MILLER: Yes. Well, listen, very -- and just in closing on Blagojevich, by the way, he appears to be the only guy Barack Obama has met in the last five years of his life who has paid his taxes. So he's got his good side, too.
O'REILLY: So far as we know.
MILLER: As far as the Super Bowl goes, I've got to give it to Tomlin. What a genius hire he was. The guy gets me pumped. He's Lombardi-like when he speaks. Roethlisberger, I've never seen anybody break pocket protection and look up the field that cleverly since Joe Montana and probably, in a different level, Fran Tarkenton, the Mad Scrambler.
But Roethlisberger's awareness of the pocket and awareness of when there's no pocket is absolutely brilliant. I mean, you can see he's playing like Bobby Fischer in Reykjavik when he's out there.
Santonio Holmes reminded me that there's a little too much technology in the game today. Even in the great games we watch, I know the ref's name. I know his face. I know what he looks like. If we had only had that many angles on the Kennedy assassination, a lot of our national mysteries would be solved that we had on that -- Santonio Holmes' catch.
And I also think that it reminds you that football is just about hitting hard over the course of three hours. The seem that hits the hardest, eventually you start to lower your thing to protect your midsection. Then you get sucker-punched.
By the way, Al Madden and John -- Al and John Madden, the best announcing team. I thought they did an amazing job. People always say to me, well, Madden took your job. Yes, he should have. He's great at it.
And you know something? If I went to the Improv tonight at 10:30 and his fat tookus is on stage, I'd say he should get off, because that's the comedy world. But in football, I'm nowhere near John Madden. I thought they did a good job.
O'REILLY: All right. Were you crying? Did you cry at the end? Pittsburgh cry?
MILLER: Six Super Bowls, baby. All I remember is when we won the first one, they said to Jack Ham in the locker room, "What do you think is happening back in Pittsburgh, Jack?"
And Ham said, "The Burgh must be in ashes." That's my thought right now, the Burgh must be in ashes.
O'REILLY: All right. Dennis Miller, everybody.