Editor’s note: the video after the jump may offend some people.
Dear Miley Cyrus: We get it already. You’re not a kid anymore. That Teddy Bear-to-porn maven motif at the 2013 MTV VMAs was so unsubtle even the kind of people who like the VMAs couldn’t miss it. Ditto the latex bikini and relentless “twerking.” Besides, you’re belaboring the point. It’s been abundantly clear for some time you killed Hannah Montana and you’re pole-dancing on her grave.
But maybe you could dial back the porn factor just a touch? Sure, masturbating yourself and Robin Thicke with a foam #1 finger shocked Will Smith & co. in the immediacy of the moment.
But now, in the cold light of day it fairly screams, “Out of ideas!” Madonna plowed this ground decades ago, and Lady Gaga took it about as far as it will go. Long-term careers aren’t built on “me too,” and there’s nothing so boring as yesterday’s shocks. Besides, leaving a bit more to the imagination now will only help the buzz when your inevitable “leaked” sex tape hits the web.
Of course, you’re not entirely to blame for judgment and, er, taste. The last girl to escape the Disney system undamaged was Annette Funicello. You’re in an elite club of trashiness and dysfunction. Britney, Lindsay, Christina – Selena Gomez beat you to doing an on-screen threesome, so we can expect more great things from her.
But people have risen above far worse than teen stardom in the House of Mouse, and you can too. But here’s a tip: you want to be seen as an adult, stop acting like a figment of a 14-year-old-boy’s hormone fueled imagination.
Anyway, just some friendly advice. Best to your dad.