Dennis Miller: San Francisco Still Lets You Circumcise Your Goldfish

Have you heard about folks in San Francisco trying to ban circumcisions as well as goldfish as pets?

Fortunately, according to comedian Dennis Miller, they're not going to prevent you from circumcising your goldfish (video follows with transcript and absolutely no need for commentary):

BILL O'REILLY, HOST:Now, talking about the nanny state. San Francisco is like the nanny state of all time, and they don't want gold fish -- goldfish, cut adorable goldfish -- within the city limits, Miller. What is this all about?

DENNIS MILLER: What's next after goldfish? Cheetos, Pringles, then Funions? Then the whole thing comes down around their head. Oh, those sort of goldfish. Sorry, Billy. I had it wrong. I thought it was the snack.

Listen, San Francisco is going to hell in a hand basket. You can't circumcise up there. You can't go to McDonald's and "super size." You can't criticize. All you can do is romanticize about their urge to fanaticize. That's what's happening up there. They've got so open minded, pretty soon, you're going to have Mussolini hanging down from the Golden Gate with the crows pecking out his eyes, for God's sakes.

Once again, stay out of it. How did they get involved in all of this? Thankfully...

O'REILLY: From what I understand, the city council of San Francisco believes that the marketing of golffish is cruel, because they remove the goldfish from the water, and they put it in a tank. And that is -- you can't. The goldfish wants to be free. Wasn't there a movie about goldfish going free? Wasn't that about...

MILLER: I remember that. I remember that. There was a beautiful song with that, too. And I think the chorus was blurb, blurb, blurb.

Listen, goldfish might not even want to live in San Francisco right now. It's such an uptight, whiny place, OK. I mean, thankfully, I did read today in a story in the San Francisco Chronicle, you can still circumcise a goldfish in San Francisco. And if you've ever seen that, the mohel comes in, and he's tiny. He's got frogmen gear and he uses an X-Acto knife. It's a pretty holy ceremony, Billy.

O'REILLY: But you know what? You know that the tragedy of all of this is?

MILLER: What is the tragedy?

O'REILLY: The homeless goldfish in San Francisco.

MILLER: Exactly. Exactly.

What about -- what about the midget hoarder golffish? Who's going to think for them?

O'REILLY: And the transgender goldfish.

MILLER: Exactly. What size should I wear to Westbury. What type?

O'REILLY: All right. We're going to have more on the goldfish in San Francisco. Dennis Miller, everybody, give him a hand.

Noel Sheppard
Noel Sheppard
Noel Sheppard, Associate Editor of NewsBusters, passed away in March of 2014.