So there I was last Saturday in front of the television, watching the DNC rules committee on cable news. Why exactly I’m not sure. Anyhow I had it on MSNBC and it was pretty mundane stuff. Nothing out of the ordinary really, Howard Dean was droning on about how horrible the Supreme Court majority is in this country, and then, so that he would not be misunderstood - took a personal jab at their collective intelligence - which was roundly and loudly applauded by all in attendance. And to bring together the deeply divided factions that had gathered, he made remarks about “blatantly sexist comments” and conversely “blatantly racist remarks”. With unity briefly restored through mutual put-down, the committee began

Up first were three HRC supporters, each defending Hillary’s honor - some with more success than others - in front of the panel of 27 DNC superstars.

James Roosevelt was head moderator and Robert Wexler was the first Obama supporter to testify on his behalf.

Roosevelt: Up next Senator Robert Wexler
Wexler: thank you Jim,
Roosevelt: Senator Wexler, quick question
Wexler: What’s that?
Roosevelt: Are you aware that I’m FDR’s grandson
Wexler: Yes I am Jim
Roosevelt: Ok, just making sure because some people out there watching on tv right now might not be aware
Wexler: Ok well I think they are now
Roosevelt: Alright, alright go ahead with your remarks, but know this. I highly doubt they’re more important than my grandfather!
Wexler: Ok well you know what Jim? Does Obama want you to be here right now? Did he pick you to speak for him? Because I think he choose me. Ok?

Everything was fine until Wexler began to receive adversarial questions from Harold Ickes, a man well qualified to represent the HRC. Then - out of nowhere - MSNBC went to commercial. So I clicked over to CNN. They also went to commercial. Was there something the liberal media didn’t want me watching? Nothing out of the ordinary on camera, just two democrats locked in an old fashioned douche brigade.

I remember thinking, it looks nice outside, and maybe I should go and get some exercise or something. But my curiosity got the best of me and I decided to check out if my old friend C-Span was still running commercial free.

So I turned on C-Span, and the scene looked nothing like what I had been watching on MSNBC and CNN. I mean it was the same room and the same people, but my god, they were showing completely different angles. You could really see what was going on now.

What I thought had been Robert Wexler was actually a man in a spacesuit reading from a teleprompter. Donna Brazille was painting with watercolors, Alexis Herman was drinking water out of a champagne glass, and Harold Ickes had a straw in a gasoline can. This is a transcript of what could only be seen on C-Span.

Man in spacesuit: Will you join us up in our space utopia, Harold?

Harold Ickes: Id rather be caged and poked with sharp, pointy sticks, actually.

Man in spacesuit: It’s very nice up in space. We have very, very plush seats, Harold. I mean, seriously, you have to sit in one to actually understand how plush. But think about it. Have you ever seen the earth from 1 million feet? Imagine it – we could literally watch as the world turns. Who else has that kind of technology? Think about it, gravity free politics…Besides HillaryLand is destined for foreclosure, what other options do you have?

Harold Ickes: I don’t know. But I do know this. It won’t have anything to do with disenfranchising 600,000 voters...Reflect fairly on that, space man.

Man in spacesuit: Listen to me. How many Starbucks have you been to that are located outside of the Earth’s gravitational pull? We have 27. And we just started building the 28th. And they’re all free all the time -- as much as you can drink.

Harold Ickes (flicking a lighter and staring intently into it): I hate Starbucks.

(long pause) Man in spacesuit: Two words. Pauly Shore.

Harold Ickes: Tempting, but no.

Man in spacesuit: Alright alright I have a better idea. I know how much you love fire Harold. How would you like 5 abandoned structures here on Earth that you can, if you want, burn to the ground? How does that sound buddy?

Harold Ickes (takes a long sip on the gasoline can): I want 10.

Man in spacesuit: Done

Harold Ickes: And, I want at least one on-air personality from MSNBC as my personal butler and a number 3 from McDonalds, plain with a side of chicken mcnuggets.

Man in spacesuit: Then it’s a deal.