The Great Gibbsy
Tue, 02/24/2009 - 10:41pm
THE WHITE HOUSE
Office of the Press Secretary
________________________________________________________________
For Immediate Release February 25, 2009
McLoven: Excuse me, my name is Ms. Loven.
Gibbs: One word names are more eco-friendly. Do proceed.
McLoven: Ok. I would like to ask about the markets. How concerned are you all at how they’re reacting to what’s being done this week? And is the President doing anything at all to avoid fascist, neo-con criticism his plan will sink their precious Dow Jones average?
Gibbs: The President has met with a fairly large group of very well dressed, rich, bald white men this week. All of whom are very well informed on the markets and who, despite the irony, spend most of their time plotting to destroy all other rich, bald white men. Plans are currently being devised on the most politically correct way take said neo-con’s money – and distribute it for maximum political gain. But realize things like this take time. The American people must be patient.
McLoven: But you all are aware that the markets are tanking every time one of you opens your mouth?
Gibbs: Do you care at all about our fragile ecosystem McLoven? Our pristine biosphere?
McLoven: Excuse me?
Gibbs: Clearly you don’t. You wouldn’t be wasting my time if you did…Ok were going to try something a little different here, being on the fore front of technology and all – we’ve invited a blogger to join us from his mother’s basement…. Ok toughguy226, did you or did you not say last Thursday at 1:53pm on your blog that I was “A large toasted marshmallow only interested in mindless class warfare and unfit to sell Nancer’s current wish list, let alone Nutrisystem for Men.”
Toughguy226: I don’t know. Sounds like something I would say.
Gibbs: You know if I only read your blog during the campaign season, 226, I would have crawled into a hole and given up this whole prospect of changing the country.
Toughguy226: Well that just breaks my heart in two….You know I’m supposed to be catching some rays in Azerbaijan later today, so let’s cut to the chase Gibbsy.
Gibbs: Are you taking your mother with you 226?
Toughguy226: Ok marshmallow, does the President realize lowering the capital gains and slashing the corporate tax rates increases tax revenues? Has this even been considered? Will it be?
Gibbs (deep sigh and then a long pause): Go ahead Jake.
Jake Tapper: Isn’t it true that, Robert, that the real root cause of this problem is that the Democratic Party celebrates and sympathizes with chaos? Isn’t that why all young Democrats consider themselves anarchists? And isn’t that why crime is so sky high in Democrat controlled locales? Don’t you think order is a far better ideal than the chaos you guys subscribe to and sympathize with in others? Aren’t these new economic policies simply introducing chaos into our system due to your administration’s abhorrence and fundamental opposition to order?
Gibbs: I swear to god Jake... Next question
Holly Bailey: There are some governors, such as Bobby Jindal in Louisiana, who are refusing parts of the stimulus package because they don’t want to deal with the strings attached. Did the administration anticipate this would happen? And as a follow up, is the administration going too far in its attempt to legislate away risk?
Instead of responding, Gibbs hits a button on the podium in front of him. The presidential seals on the side of the briefing room begin to rise as the lights dim. Underneath the seals, monitors flicker on and show a scene of what appears to be a large, empty swimming pool filled with cat5 network cables stacked vertically and a large bed in the corner. Soft music begins to fill the room. As everyone turns to look, they watch what appears to be a partially clothed John Murtha sitting on a mattress with toe clippers in one hand and an extremely large foot in another. He appears to be clipping a toenail that if represented in the House, would likely have more votes than Maryland. Gibbs then makes eye contact with Major, picks up his blackberry and hits a few keys. Holly Bailey, the Newsweek correspondent, suddenly falls through the floor. As she does so, she can be seen landing next to Murtha. Gibbs then hits another button and the presidential seals again move to cover the monitors and the lights come back on.
Gibbs(to an empty seat): That's my little lesson on risk. If anyone else has any questions, I will be responding clairvoyantly throughout the rest of the evening. Thanks guys.
Office of the Press Secretary
________________________________________________________________
For Immediate Release February 25, 2009
PRESS BRIEFING BY PRESS SECRETARY ROBERT GIBBS
James S. Brady Press Briefing Room
4:20 P.M. EST
Gibbs: Good afternoon. Before I take some questions today, let me briefly give you a rundown of the Vice President’s recent departure to the Munich Security Conference. It’s a very big deal and the probability of him gaffing is very high. We wrote him a script to follow, and it has been made abundantly clear to the Vice President that remarks on Angela Merkel’s backside or those pictures of Carla Bruni he saw on the McLaughlin Group are to be avoided. But, for the love of god, that has never stopped him in the past. And with that, the first question to you McLoven.
McLoven: Excuse me, my name is Ms. Loven.
Gibbs: One word names are more eco-friendly. Do proceed.
McLoven: Ok. I would like to ask about the markets. How concerned are you all at how they’re reacting to what’s being done this week? And is the President doing anything at all to avoid fascist, neo-con criticism his plan will sink their precious Dow Jones average?
Gibbs: The President has met with a fairly large group of very well dressed, rich, bald white men this week. All of whom are very well informed on the markets and who, despite the irony, spend most of their time plotting to destroy all other rich, bald white men. Plans are currently being devised on the most politically correct way take said neo-con’s money – and distribute it for maximum political gain. But realize things like this take time. The American people must be patient.
McLoven: But you all are aware that the markets are tanking every time one of you opens your mouth?
Gibbs: Do you care at all about our fragile ecosystem McLoven? Our pristine biosphere?
McLoven: Excuse me?
Gibbs: Clearly you don’t. You wouldn’t be wasting my time if you did…Ok were going to try something a little different here, being on the fore front of technology and all – we’ve invited a blogger to join us from his mother’s basement…. Ok toughguy226, did you or did you not say last Thursday at 1:53pm on your blog that I was “A large toasted marshmallow only interested in mindless class warfare and unfit to sell Nancer’s current wish list, let alone Nutrisystem for Men.”
Toughguy226: I don’t know. Sounds like something I would say.
Gibbs: You know if I only read your blog during the campaign season, 226, I would have crawled into a hole and given up this whole prospect of changing the country.
Toughguy226: Well that just breaks my heart in two….You know I’m supposed to be catching some rays in Azerbaijan later today, so let’s cut to the chase Gibbsy.
Gibbs: Are you taking your mother with you 226?
Toughguy226: Ok marshmallow, does the President realize lowering the capital gains and slashing the corporate tax rates increases tax revenues? Has this even been considered? Will it be?
Gibbs (deep sigh and then a long pause): Go ahead Jake.
Jake Tapper: Isn’t it true that, Robert, that the real root cause of this problem is that the Democratic Party celebrates and sympathizes with chaos? Isn’t that why all young Democrats consider themselves anarchists? And isn’t that why crime is so sky high in Democrat controlled locales? Don’t you think order is a far better ideal than the chaos you guys subscribe to and sympathize with in others? Aren’t these new economic policies simply introducing chaos into our system due to your administration’s abhorrence and fundamental opposition to order?
Gibbs: I swear to god Jake... Next question
Holly Bailey: There are some governors, such as Bobby Jindal in Louisiana, who are refusing parts of the stimulus package because they don’t want to deal with the strings attached. Did the administration anticipate this would happen? And as a follow up, is the administration going too far in its attempt to legislate away risk?
Instead of responding, Gibbs hits a button on the podium in front of him. The presidential seals on the side of the briefing room begin to rise as the lights dim. Underneath the seals, monitors flicker on and show a scene of what appears to be a large, empty swimming pool filled with cat5 network cables stacked vertically and a large bed in the corner. Soft music begins to fill the room. As everyone turns to look, they watch what appears to be a partially clothed John Murtha sitting on a mattress with toe clippers in one hand and an extremely large foot in another. He appears to be clipping a toenail that if represented in the House, would likely have more votes than Maryland. Gibbs then makes eye contact with Major, picks up his blackberry and hits a few keys. Holly Bailey, the Newsweek correspondent, suddenly falls through the floor. As she does so, she can be seen landing next to Murtha. Gibbs then hits another button and the presidential seals again move to cover the monitors and the lights come back on.
Gibbs(to an empty seat): That's my little lesson on risk. If anyone else has any questions, I will be responding clairvoyantly throughout the rest of the evening. Thanks guys.
