I, citizen journalist, Doctor of Political Nuance, and Chief Deputy of Keeping It Real, have broken down the presidential contenders in the following hard hitting analysis for the People.

Bill Richardson
My favorite moment in this campaign season occurred when Richardson -- while attending a discussion hosted by the Human Rights Campaign along with every other Democrat up for nomination – told Melissa Etheridge and the Human Rights Campaign inadvertently that he believed being gay was a choice -- to Melissa Etheridge…. That could only happen to Bill Richardson. Will likely drop out after New Hampshire and surrender his manhood to Hillary Clinton and his firstborn to Mark Penn.

Chris Dodd
Or “Gray-haired democrat who is not Joe Biden” Son of late Senator Thomas J. Dodd, and Chair of the Senate Banking, Housing and Urban Affairs Committee, the man has been a Senator for along as I’ve been alive. This is a guy who would be winning the race if the Democrats truly wanted “experience”, but I don’t under-estimate the power of name recognition either. Out after New Hampshire.

Joe Biden
A graduate of the University of Delaware, he became a US Senator at the age of just 29...so I still got two years to get my act together. He chairs the Senate’s Foreign Relations Committee, and as such, would be a prime target of the Ron Paul Militia; if they were aware he was running for President. I don’t really fear a Joe Biden Administration as much as I do the rapid decline that would be inevitable in that highly profitable industry that is Delaware tourism. I heard they already lost a DP-Dough in Dewey due to out-of -staters pissed off at Biden’s general demeanor. I don’t see big Joe lasting after New Hampshire, but he is head-strong and might hold out till Nevada or even Florida.

Hillary Clinton
Leader of Hillary-Land
She gives the Democrats what they really want, which is the exact opposite of what they say they want, or what I call -- The Warm Loving Embrace of the Establishment. She has become the inevitable candidate for the Democrats, and without a doubt has already carefully selected music for the coronation (think Melissa Etheridge, KD Lang, Starland Vocal Band). Hillary-Land is kind of like northwestern Pakistan, it’s a tribal area, and even the peasants pack heat. CNN has a bureau there. But can Hillary-Land ever live down the Hand-Job of Never-Ending Political Consequences? Only time will tell.

John Edwards
The Cephalochordate Candidate
The populist trial lawyer from North Carolina is to the world of politics what the band Nickelback is to top 40 radio, incredibly annoying, overplayed, and no matter how hard they try to come off as tough, it fails every single time. In an unexpected turn of events last week, we learned that John Edwards and Pervez Musaharraf are in fact, BFFs. Rumor is Edwards wears the berka. He has accepted Federal matching funds, and the lack of money is a serious shortcoming. But the little bugger has the backing of several unions, who are unashamed apparently to support Edwards. And they got cheddar, son. I project that he will make some news in the New Hampshire and Iowa contests, regardless of his performance in the horse-race, because the media needs a story. But the full ire of Hillary-Land, with all the shock and awe it is capable of, shall smite him with great vengeance should he succeed in any way early on. Either way the lockbox will get dropped off at Clinton’s door for safe keeping in Hillary-Land before spring. Out after Florida.

Barak Obama
NBC News has something for Obama. And it’s in their pants…I really don’t think he’s going to win Iowa, but if he does, I can’t imagine the reactions in Hillary-Land will be, as AB Stoddard often says, “inaudacious”. And if Obama wins, will CNN even announce it? Can she make going negative, back in style for Winter 08? Obama’s got the money to stick around for awhile and I hope he does. But does his healthcare plan cover everybody? Apparently it doesn’t and in a Democrat primary, Universal Pre-K is just like a door-prize for showing up. I’m willing to bet he wins either Iowa or New Hampshire – but regardless I imagine he’ll stick around till Feb 6th

Dennis J. Kucinich
Pedro offers you his protection.
According to his bio on his campaign website, his enemies are ruthless and he was once the target of a failed assassination attempt while he was the Mayor of Cleveland. I didn’t know Cleveland was that hardcore, but apparently it is. But I have to tell you, if I were rich and famous enough to roll with a posse, you better damn well believe I would roll with Dennis J. Cause that’s just how I roll, son. Out after New Hampshire.

Mitt Romney
It has not been a good last few weeks for Mitt “mittens” Romney, the former one term governor of Massachusetts. I’m not sure if it’s because he’s playing “contrast ads” in Iowa right now or shooting at “small varmit” in his spare time, but for one reason or another, it appears the Liberal Media has fallen tragically out of love with “mittens”. My evidence for such a claim are several newspapers around the country writing the feared and much loathed “anti-endorsement”. Oh and another thing, let me just say that if your ever in a room with a few dozens camera and reporters -- while you argue the definition of a word with them -- just stop, it makes baby Jesus cry. However he’s got a wad of cash and he’s not afraid to spend it, and that should keep him popular for awhile. He’ll stick around till Feb 6th, before dropping out and backing America’s Mayor, Rudy Giuliani for President.

Ron Paul
A King Among Spammers. A King.
Have you seen the movie “Grandma’s Boy”? That guy who speaks in robot voices, you know him? You know what he does now? He’s quit his job to raise money for Ron Paul fulltime. Every waking second is dedicated to fighting Blatant Ron Paul Bias and thinking of more inventive ways to whore himself for Ron Paul. Every single second. But the Ron Paul Militia misunderstands the fundamentals of Capitalism -- I, on the other hand, have decided to start a company where I go around the Nation after Ron Paul loses, collect the mountains of Ron Paul signs and related paraphernalia -- pee on them -- and then re-sell them on Ebay. If that’s not win/win then nothing is. Ron Paul will likely drop out early, crushing the hearts and souls of millions of his fans and their collective avatars. And I do mean crush. They’ll be as mad as hatters. And don’t think for a minute they’ll go down without running off at the mouth and throwing around allegations of fraud…. It’s a long, sad path back to life before Ron Paul bumper stickers for some of us, but hey, keep your head up solider, we’ll get there. Out after New Hampshire and will likely refuse to endorse anyone.

John McCain
The Maverick
John McCain is adored by many in the Liberal Media because he occasionally slams the current administration, and is then rewarded with positive press coverage. He is the Liberals Media’s current Republican boyfriend. With no clear Candidate of the Establishment the Conservative Media is more or less taking on the roll of referee. As far as praise from pundits is concerned, McCain has been the beneficiary of the Romney/Huckabee missteps of late. Rich Lowry, of National Review Online wrote an article stopping just short of endorsing McCain. This is after the magazine officially endorsed Romney. Trouble in paradise, I know. But as far as votes in the election are concerned, the Republican Base still holds his position on the immigration reform bill, and his occasional attacks against the Bush Administration as reasons they would never vote for him. He’s got a shot in New Hampshire, and I expect he’ll stick around till Feb 6th.

Duncan Hunter
Has been in Congress since 1980 and is a member of the House Armed Services Committee, where he protects the “Arsenal of Democracy” as a duty to the People. Like the peanut butter and jelly sandwiches of youth, or even off-brand vanilla ice-cream for that matter, he’s predictable and yet satisfyingly convenient for many people. Unfortunately for my man Duncan, there are only like 10 people in the entire world who know he’s running for president. Out after New Hampshire.

Fred Thompson
The actor and former Senator of Tennessee, who began his campaign by announcing on Leno -- peaked in the polls there-after and has been declining in them ever since. Fred spent the vast majority of his campaign in Southern gun stores attempting to sow the perception of man who doesn’t take shit from anyone – with the minor exception of the entire Western Media. We learned, at the national level, that there is a difference between doing something on TV and actually doing the same thing in real life. Who would of thought? Regan made going from an actor to a politician look easy, while Fred made it look more like getting a root canal. And even though I was 12 at the time, he kind of reminds me of the late James Stockdale, Ross Perot’s old Vice Presidential candidate, who famously replied during a debate that he had turned his hearing aid off, and hadn’t been listening to anything for the last 5 minutes. His backers are a diehard group, who honestly believe every poll in the country is wrong about Fred. Will he will smite the RINOs and lead a surprise victory for the only “true conservative” in the race? I doubt it. Ron Paul has a better chance than my man Fred, unfortunately. He’s only a minor threat in the South, and enjoys Ron Paul numbers in the rest of the country. Will drop out after New Hampshire and back the maverick John McCain.

Mike Huckabee
The former Arkansas governor, Evangelical preacher, author of 5 books and general do-gooder -- was a man unknown to the general electorate in early 2007. But the stars aligned later on that year for Huck, and -- as the beating heart of the press corps collectively skipped a beat -- they at once realized they had found their new “John McCain”; which perhaps delighted no one more than the producers of the movie “I heart Huckabee”… But alas, the Liberal Media has given up on Huckabee in recent days, after only a few weeks under the klieg lights, and are back in love with McCain. And while Huck can deliver one liners that will leave a mark, far too many in his own party are beginning to see his foreign policy the same way. A joke. His Pakistan immigration gaffe, and proclaiming “Bush’s Bunker Mentality” is creating failure around the world, will not be overlooked very easily in the Republican Party. If he wins Iowa, the wrath of his opponents will know no barrier. Now that I think about it, they’ll actually probably do that if he loses too. He’s fallen victim, unfortunately, to the all too real desire the Media has to make others their personal piñatas, and with the internet now, everyone gets a stick. It’s not at, say, Dan Quayle level, but it I think it’ll get worse before it gets better. He has to play offense now. I can’t see him winning outside the South; South Carolina and Iowa are, however, very much in play for Huckabee. My bet is that he will likely stick around to Feb 6th, before dropping out and backing Rudy.

Rudy Giuliani
Future President
The former Mayor of New York and Nightmare of the Liberal Media, Rudy Giuliani was born a few weeks before D-Day in 1944 to second generation Italian immigrants in Brooklyn, NY. He served as Associate Attorney General under the Regan administration and in 1983 became U.S. Attorney for the Southern District of New York. It was under his leadership as U.S. Attorney in 1985-6 that Rudy won what Time Magazine called “The Case of Cases” in the Mafia Commission Trial that brought down the five families of organized crime in New York City under the RICO statute. And when Rudy is elected, in the spirit of Robert Kennedy, Tom Dewey, and Robert Morgenthau, the unholy union of corrupt organized labor and the Mafia will have to find another nation to pollute. This one is for the People.