Bill Maher: ‘I Love America; It’s Americans I Can’t Stand!’

As if allowing this anti-American Bush-hater to have his own series wasn't enough, the brilliant folks at HBO decided to give Bill Maher another comedy special to rail against all things conservative.

For those on the left hoping for some truly vile attacks on the GOP, Saturday's "Bill Maher: The Decider" surely must have hit the spot.

In fact, of the 60 minutes Maher was given, upwards of 40 were spent eviscerating the President, his staff, Republican presidential candidates, and religious figures. In reality, this was a virtual campaign video for Democrats.

With that in mind, what follows are some of the lowlights in no particular order. However, the reader is cautioned that this is not edited for content, and contains some truly vulgar language.

As such, proceed at your own risk (partial video available here):

• The comedy Gods are smiling on me today because, um, I have been saying for the longest time that President Bush must set a timetable for removing his head from his ass. And by God, today they went in and looked for it. They actually went in and looked for it today. And, they didn't find it.
• But at least for once in our lifetimes we saw the words "Bush," "operation," and "success" in the same sentence.
• This man, seriously. The country has fuck-up fatigue. Which is what happens when a guy fucks up so much that when he fucks up again people go, "Ah, what do you expect? He's a fuck up." And that's fucked up.
• He has now convinced himself that history will be kind to him. It's just us in the present that don't get it. He's the Van Gogh of presidents. You know, not appreciated in his lifetime, but...
• Whenever there's a disaster, Bush shows up and says, "I'm gonna pray." And people go, "Wow, he's on it. We got this covered because he is praying," which is nearly as good as hoping it were so.
• The ego of this surge of George Bush's that he could think that "Everybody else is wrong but me." He is going to bring democracy and freedom to the Iraqi people if he has to kill every last one of them.
• Because we did have an election about this, remember? The people said, "No, I think this war is over. We don't like it."...But, George Bush, all by himself, the decider. Just spit-balling, you know, thinking outside the box. You know what? Thinking outside the box is for smart people. The box is for you. You need the box. Stay inside the box.
• What a clown on the world stage, you know. A couple of months ago, he and Laura went off to the big G-8 summit in Germany, and I'm sure the Europeans are always thrilled when the Duke and Duchess of Hazard jet in to lend a little superpower charm to old Europe. But, George Bush said he looked into Vladimir Putin's eyes - you know this - and saw his soul. Exactly. Now, of all the people in the world who couldn't do this, I would have to say George Bush, top of my list, I mean. Of all the people you couldn't do this to, Vladimir Putin. I look into his eyes, I saw Lucifer. I saw black pools of ex-KGB deadness. But George Bush, God bless him...
• See, that's the problem with religious people like George Bush. They think they have powers the rest of us don't have. That's why George Bush never thought he needed to learn, or read about Iraq, because he prayed. He prayed to Santa Jesus.
• I saw the president a couple of months ago was on "60 Minutes," and he said he was reading a book. I was very impressed. And, it was the book about the Algerian civil war, and yes, Algeria had a Muslim insurgency in the 1950s against a western power, France. What a good book to read maybe before you invaded Iraq.
• Okay, I'll take what I can get. He's reading a book. But of course, President numb-nuts takes away from the book the exact wrong message, because if George Bush is about anything with Iraq, it's about the idea that if we don't beat them there, they're gonna follow us home. Yeah, because that's exactly what happened to the French in Algeria. They pulled out of Algeria, and they got followed home. That's why the Eiffel Tower today is a 7/11. And the Cannes film festival is run by ayatollahs. They'll follow us home, what are they, Lassie?
• You know, George Bush, when you pull his string, says like five things. And they all have to be under ten words or else people will, you know...
• The Republicans think sex is bad, because with them, it always is. It is. They're, I'm sorry, but they're just doughy, asexual, wonky, white people, and if you had to have sex with them, it would be over in an excruciating three minutes. And from the headlines of the last year, I gather that the only sex they're good at is gay sex. Really. Jeff Gannon in the White House press room. Representive Mark Foley. The Reverend Ted Haggard. I mean, that's a lot of gay when you're running against it in every election.
• And what is this campy fixation they have with all things Ronald Reagan? I mean, they talk about Reagan the way gay guys talk about Barbra Streisand. I think they want him on a stamp so they can lick his ass. I think they want to name airports after him so that they can say, "I'm coming into Reagan."
• George Bush thinks that God speaks to him. And, by the way, if God looked over the whole country, the whole world, and made George Bush president, how good is God, seriously? But, yes, he thinks God made him president, so he needs big ideas like transforming the Middle East. One State of the Union address, I swear to God, he said, "We're going to Mars." Really? In the middle of the war on terror? He did. What he actually said was, "We're going to Mars and worlds beyond." Easy, little man. We can't get from Baghdad to the Baghdad airport. We can't get the people out of the trailers in New Orleans, the trailers that are killing them.
• Does anybody doubt that if [Clinton] had been president when that storm hit, the people, you know, the actual people of New Orleans, would have been better off? I mean, he would have first of all, that's okay. First of all, he would have read about it before it happened. You know, fag stuff. He would have been down there before it happened. He would have not slept for a week. He would have stayed up working on it. That's who he was.
• You realize that on the third day of Katrina, Fidel Castro offered aid to America? I'm not kidding. He had a big press conference, and he said, "Some president in this hemisphere must do something."
• Is he the worst president ever? Ever? I mean, when this man's term is over, he has to walk back to Texas. The shear volume, the volume of scandals, of bloopers, boners, practical jokes, Katrina, and Abu Ghraib, Walter Reed, Alberto Gonzales, not getting bin Laden, outing a CIA agent. He tried to appoint his cleaning lady to the Supreme Court.
• He tried to sell the ports to an Arab country because nothing ever gets in the way of crony capitalism. He would try to sell the Red Cross to Dracula if it brought in campaign cash. He sat there for seven minutes when he was told the words, "The country is under attack."
• I just hope the next time people go into the voting booth, they have one idea in their head, which is that there is a little more to this job than just not getting blown...Yes, we took a chance, and elected a guy we wanted to have a beer with. But, maybe next time we'll understand, "No, we need an exceptional person in this job." For all their flaws, Al Gore was an exceptional person. John Kerry was an exceptional person. George Bush is a special person. He is. And the most infuriating thing about him is that he didn't even know how bad he sucks. That's what I hate, the way he ends every press conference, every language-mangling, embarrassing press conference, by walking off with that smirk on his face like, "Nailed it."
• To me, that's the ultimate key to George Bush, is that he wants to be the smartest guy in the room. But, to be the smartest guy in the room, you kind of have to fill that room with a bunch of dim bulbs.
• Wouldn't you think that when it came to the environment, conservatives would be on the side of conserving? Why doesn't that make sense? But they're not. They're on the side of making Al Gore look ridiculous. Because if you can make Al Gore look ridiculous, he equals global warming, and then that's ridiculous. Except that it's not really about Al Gore, you know? It's not. It's about losing the polar icecaps. And then the seas rising. And then losing Venice. And losing Holland. And losing Manhattan. And losing New Orleans. And losing Florida. And that's why I believe Al Gore, because if there's one thing he knows it's losing Florida.
• This is the crowd that wants to build a 700 mile wall along our 2100 mile long border with Mexico. You know what? I think instead of building a wall along the border, build a Wal-Mart.
• I love it, [Giuliani's] had three wives, right, McCain two wives, Fred Thompson two wives, Newt Gingrich three wives. The only monogamous Republican, Mitt Romney the Mormon.
• And, do you know this, too, that Rudy's first wife was his cousin? I'm not making that up. I think that is a very cheap way to go after the Southern vote. It's insulting to the South.
• This country needs to get over itself, seriously. It's not the 1950s anymore, we're not the most efficient, we're not the most healthy, we're not the most respected. I'm not hating on America, these are facts. This is a challenge to America. I'm tired of people saying, "This is the greatest country in the world." How would you know? Always from the people who've never been anywhere just pulling it out of their ass...I love America; it's Americans I can't stand!

Amazing stuff, wouldn't you agree?

Yet, there were three other things Maher said that I wanted to take issue with. First:

You know, I understand why rich people vote Republican. I never will understand why poor people vote for the Republicans. I mean, no offense, but they are just tricked into doing it, and it is sort of what fucks up democracy, because the regular people need to actually vote their interests, because if they don’t, the only thing, that’s all we have left. Otherwise, the lobbyists and the corporations and the money interests win.

Basically, Maher just said that poor people are stupid, didn't he? "I mean, no offense, but they are just tricked into" voting for Republicans. Doesn't that make them dumb?

Second:

I kid the Republicans, I hope I'm not piling on. Well, I'm sorry, but they can't govern. And they can't govern because they don't care about governing. That's not what they're good at. They're good at winning elections, but governing? Please, they run on a platform of it's inefficient. Yes, the way you do it.

This is quite hypocritical of Maher, for he claims to be Libertarian. Isn't the basis of Libertarian philosophy that government is indeed inefficient? Or, is Maher lying when he says he's Libertarian?

Third:

You know, Rudy Giuliani, another brilliant assessor of people and presidents, he actually brags on the campaign trail that, on 9/11, as the towers are going down, he turned to his super-corrupt chief of police, and said, "Thank God George Bush is president." That alone should disqualify a person from any higher office.

Yeah, right Rudy. Whenever I’m looking down the barrel of Muslim fundamentalists with nuclear ambitions, I want a guy who’s not smarter than a fifth-grader heading up our team.

Actually, Bill, if you recall, after the country was attacked on 9/11, there were many Democrats who voiced similar sentiments. Does that disqualify them from higher office as well?

Regardless, after forcing myself to actually watch this program, and spend hours transcribing the lowlights, I am left with one serious question that I'd love the folks at HBO to answer: How does someone that admits he can't stand Americans get his own program on American television?