Why I Love Charlie Sheen

So Charlie Sheen recently penned a fictitious conversation between himself and President Obama – one in which he questions our Commander-in-chief on the big 9/11 cover up. Yes, the star of Scary Movie 3 – and Scary Movie 4 – believes that the Bush/Cheney regime were behind the attack, and feels that our current President should investigate immediately, in an effort to answer a “bottomless warren of unanswered questions surrounding that day…”

Now, never mind how insulting this is to anyone personally affected by the tragedy – or who saw it firsthand. Sheen is just awesome for illustrating the three key components to being a conspiracy theorist/loser:

• The egomania. In this “open letter,” Sheen actually uses Obama’s made up words to compliment himself. Yes, the President admits to enjoying “Two and a Half Men,” writes Charlie. And here I thought Martin was the delusional one in the family.

• The mental masturbation. When it comes to truther obsession, the questioning will always be – as Sheen confesses – “bottomless.” See, that`s the joy of conspiracy – it`s like an endless bag of Doritos, except instead of chips you get comebacks like “that`s what they want you to think,” and “open your eyes dude.” It`s so funny how people like Sheen can dismiss all beliefs but their own. Maybe it’s not that funny.

• The inherent contradiction found in accusations of a cover-up. Sheen claims that “9/11 has been the pretext for the systematic dismantling of our constitution and Bill of Rights”. He says this without realizing that since 9/11, not a single person has stopped him from babbling this nonsense. By spewing relentlessly about crap, he`s done more than anyone to prove there is no cover-up! Christ, I wish the government would silence him, or at least get him a haircut better suited for a middle-aged man.

But look, I love Sheen simply being Sheen. He is a man unencumbered by self-awareness. Think about it: The world’s most famous clueless druggie, gambling-addicted whore-banger thinks he’s uncovered a conspiracy – and we should all believe him.

How cute is that?

Originally published at DailyGut.com and Big Hollywood on September 10, 2009.