Jon Stewart Revels in Rick Perry's 'Brain Turd' Moment as the 'Dope Diamond'
Jon Stewart, on Thursday's Daily Show, repeatedly mocked Rick Perry for his, as he put it, "brain turd" moment at this week's CNBC debate. However, Perry wasn't the only GOP candidate Stewart made fun of. Everyone from Perry to Santorum took a hit. The only candidate Stewart didn't mock was Mitt Romney, whom the Daily Show host declared to be the winner of the whole race. "It's over! Indecision 2012 Mercy Rule Edition. Because in presidential primaries, as in little league, if one team is up 10-0 in the third you call it a day an you head over to Friendly's for some Fribbles and some food poisoning."
Stewart initially teased his audience with the Perry clip by calling it: "Rick Perry's now infamous ABC Wide World of Sports agony-of-defeat-worthy brain turd." Then he went on to savage the other GOP contenders on his November 10 show. (video after the jump)
First up, he criticized Herman Cain for daring to call Nancy Pelosi a "princess."
STEWART: Princess. Princess. Princess Nancy. Not, "I disagree vehemently with the former Speaker." Not "Minority Leader Pelosi is wrong on the..." Princess! You know, there's an age above which most women do not wish to be referred to as princess and I believe that age is five. There's only three times you should ever use that term. With an actual female member of the royal family, a new Maltese puppy you got, and- oh, what's the third? I'm gonna, I'm gonna say EPA. We're gonna get to Perry. Alright so that's Herman Cain.
On Newt Gingrich:
STEWART: Can Gingrich take advantage? He's got a tremendous amount of experience in government. He's got name recognition. Newt. And he's got a reputation as the right's idea man. So why can't he win? Well, because every one of those ideas is seasoned with just a hint, just a pinch, just a lot of what can be best described as dickishness.
NEWT GINGRICH: It's sad that the news media doesn't report accurately how the economy works. My colleagues have done a terrific job of answering an absurd question. To say in 30 seconds -
MARIA BARTIROMO: You have said you want to repeal Obamacare. Correct?
GINGRICH: Let me finish, if I may. What is amazing to me is the inability of much of our academic world, much of our news media and most of the people on Occupy Wall Street to have a clue about history.
STEWART: Hmm, you know, if I may, Newt, everybody loves the Pillsbury Doughboy. But nobody's going to vote for his angrier, know-it-all brother.
(Clip of Pillsbury commercial)
PILLSBURY DOUGHBOY: What the elitists in the mainstream media won't tell you is (stomach poked) Eat a [bleep].
On Ron Paul:
STEWART: Ron Paul? The guy's for gay marriage, legalizing drugs and against military spending. He's criticized Ronald Reagan. He's certainly is capable of winning his party's nomination, but the Republicans ain't his party.
On Michele Bachmann:
STEWART: Michele Bachmann? Nobody has seen her since she won the Ames, Iowa straw poll and stated that the HPV vaccine can do irreparable harm. Turns out she was right and her campaign is proof.
On Jon Huntsman and Rick Santorum:
STEWART: Huntsman! Why can't the handsome Mormon ex-governor beat Mitt Romney? Because he is Mitt Romney. Just not quite. It's like with the- Baldwins. Billy is great but given a choice you're gonna go with Alec. Which brings us to Santorum. Why can't he win? Because nobody when given a choice of Baldwins is going with Stephen.
Finally, Stewart went after Perry:
STEWART: And now ladies and gentlemen, we have reached our destination. James Richard Perry, Rick. The tough-talking, God-fearing, boot-wearing, prisoner-killing, Pez dispenser-collecting -- that last one is probably not right -- Texan. Many Republican faithful thought Perry would be the answer to their prayers. But it turns out he was the answer to ours. You know, a comedian can spend his whole life digging through the comedy minds for sound bites that he can use to sustain his family. Sometimes a fellow can lose hope. And then Rick Perry gives you 53 seconds that can change a man's life. Oh lordy, I give you this thing I found, the dope diamond.
Then, coming back after playing a clip of Perry's debate answer, Stewart played to his audience:
STEWART: Are you not entertained?! Are you not entertained?! Are you not entertained?! There is so much meat on that bone and it is all breast meat. It is all white. I don't even know which part to pick. There is the part where Ron Paul is trying to help him out. He's going, "I think you mean five," Other people are shouting out, "I think you mean EPA!" But you know, they wanted to shout out [bleep] like corn dogs, just to see if perry would repeat it Ron Burgundy-style. And then there's the part where for just a second Perry looks like he is gonna fake a stroke to get out of the whole thing. Which, by the way, is the right move. In the middle of that [bleep] Perry shoulda just been like, "Uh, uh, I smell toast!" No! No! My favorite moment occurred just towards the very end, just towards the very end. Let me just, let me just replay it for you very quickly, just at the very end in the quiet moment of desperation, at the end. Just-
PERRY: Now let's see. I can't, the third one I can't, sorry. Oops.
STEWART: Oops! Oops! Oops! O-O-P-S! Oops! Thank you, Jesus. Oops! That is not the four letter word I would have gone with. Oops! Like it's a juice box. "Oops! Oh, oh my God! Oh my chance to be President of the United States! Oops!" Does anyone have a towel? Oops!"