In a lighthearted segment on the August 5 edition of the Colbert Report, host Stephen Colbert took to mocking – and promoting – Hillary Clinton’s new book, Hard Choices. Host Stephen Colbert began the segment by ripping the “shameless name dropping” in the book, and jokingly dismissing that “there is no way on Earth one woman can be in so many places at once!”
Lo and behold, Hillary Clinton appeared on set, to roars from the studio's liberal audience and chants of “Hillary! Hillary!” Colbert and Clinton proceeded to do an extended back and forth, humorously attempting to one-up each other by name dropping famous celebrities and politicians. [MP3 audio here; video below]
When the former Secretary of State sat down, Colbert gasped, “Well, uh, Hillary Clinton.” Clinton asked the comedian, “who’s the name dropper now, Stephen,” to laughs from the crowd.
Colbert replied: “Oh, really? Name dropper? That's not what my good friend Tom Hanks calls me. When we're hanging out at George Clooney's place.” The segment continued in this manner for a few minutes, showing a softer side to the usually stiff former First Lady.
The relevant portion of the transcript is below.
August 5, 2014
11:35 p.m. Eastern
STEPHEN COLBERT, host: Of course, former first lady, former Senator, and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is the current front-runner, which is surprising since it sounds like she can't hold down a job. Now, Secretary Clinton says she hasn't made up her mind about whether she's running yet, but me thinks she doth not make up her mind yet too much. Let's just look at the facts. One, she's on a national book tour pushing her memoir Hard Choices. Two, she's extremely qualified. Three, let's forget about number two and just focus on the book thing. Which, by the way, for the record, I don't get. Sure, it's been on the New York Times bestseller list for seven weeks and has sold more than 500,000 copies worldwide, but I recently picked up the audio book. I like to listen to it when I'm on the treadmill at the gym rager-cising. Here's the Colbert review. Here's my review. This book is 656 pages of shameless name dropping. Jim?
HILLARY CLINTON (narrating her book): Tanzanian Prime Minister Mizengo Pinda and I do some planting at a women's cooperative in Mlandizi.
COLBERT: Thud. Did you catch that? Did you catch that TMZ? She just happened to be hanging out with Mizengo in Mlandizi. Well, not impressed. So she's tight with the Prime Minister of Tanzania. I happen to be e-mail pen pals with the Prince of Nigeria, okay? That reminds me I should really – I should write that guy back. I like that guy. Gotta write him. He owes me a ton of money. And there's more.
CLINTON (narrating her book): The first time I met the Burmese Nobel Peace Prize winner Aung San Suu Kyi in December 2011, we were both wearing white.
COLBERT: Really? Wearing white after Labor Day? Obviously, her Nobel prize wasn't in fashion. Again, Jim.
CLINTON (narrating): German chancellor Angela Merkel has a great sense of humor.
COLBERT: You heard it, folks. Hillary Clinton thinks German chancellors are a laugh riot. Heil hilarity.
CLINTON (narrating): Here, Bono sits with me at the piano.
COLBERT: Big deal! Bono sits with everybody at the piano. Call me when you're sitting with David Bowie at a didgeridoo. I just don't buy any of this. There is no way on Earth one woman in so many places at once.
CROWD (after Hillary appears): Hillary! Hillary! Hillary! Hillary! Hillary!
COLBERT: Don't you dare! Don’t you dare! You were chanting my name four minutes ago, you two-timers. Well, uh, Hillary Clinton.
CLINTON: Now who's a name dropper, Stephen?
COLBERT: Oh, really? Name dropper? That's not what my good friend Tom Hanks calls me. When we're hanging out at George Clooney's place.
CLINTON: Oh, I love George. I wish he could have joined us when I had lunch with Meryl Streep and Ecuadorian President Rafael Correa.
COLBERT: Oh, Rafi. He is such a cut-up, especially when we go camping with Oprah.
COLBERT: Oh, does that surprise you?
CLINTON: No, "O" is just what all her real friends call Oprah.
COLBERT: I know Paul McCartney.
CLINTON: I negotiated with Hamid Karzai.
COLBERT: I shared an office with Steve Carell.
ClINTON: I held high-level talks with Chinese state counselor Dai Bingguo.
COLBERT: Well, now you're just making words up. I will have you know, madam, I once did an entire show with president Bill Clinton.
CLINTON: Oh! I hate to break this to you, Stephen, but I've met him, too.
COLBERT: Gosh, you know everyone! What kind of loser do you have to be to not be included in your book?
CLINTON: Well, you're not in it, Stephen?
COLBERT: Oh, aren't I? You ever notice how President of Turkmenistan Gurbanguly Berdimuhamedow and i are never in the same room at the same time.
COLBERT: Oh, yes. And, madam, it is not just your name dropping I call into question. I question your title. It's called Hard Choices. But there aren't any real hard choices in here.
CLINTON: What about negotiating fragile alliances and treaties?
CLINTON: Oh, I'm talking about real hard choices – eternal questions like which would you rather fight: one horse-sized duck or 100 duck-sized horses?
CLINTON: Well –
CLINTON: Now, I admit that is a valid question. Here's what I'd do. First, I'd try to find common ground between ducks and horses. For instance, they both grew up on old McDonald's farm. Then, I'd establish a timetable to achieve meaningful horse-duck dialogue. And, Stephen, I'm convinced – with patience and a strong commitment from our allies, the pigs and the geese, we'd have peace-peace here, peace-peace, there, here a peace, there a peace, everywhere a peace.